heartache- yes, still

Trust/Faith = Obedience (coming from a changed heart)

Unbelief = Disobedience

Not quite sure what I want to say or how to say it. I'm not even sure it'll be helpful, so feel free to glaze over this one, I'm processing "out loud". Also, that these are my thoughts- not Charlie's.

This pregnancy has been an answer to prayer. Charlie and I feel privileged at the prospect of this little life and being parents.

I guess for me- it's getting to the "be parents" part. (I mean that in the most pro-life sense, btw, so from here on out, please know as I write, yes, we fully believe at life upon conception). The thought of actually getting to be a parent seems sooooo far removed and unattainable, and like it will not happen.

And I should also say right here, that I'm (we're) fully trusting in our Abba, who created this little life (and the two others before it), and is completely able to sustain it, and has numbered this baby's days already in His book. He is carefully knitting baby together in the darkness of my womb. Ps 139:15-16

So, why is it that I feel so dark?! Like I'm the one being worked on in the shadows? (probably because, He has His chisel out and is chipping away at my self-relying, I-know-what's-best heart. And I needed to be tucked away for a few months for Him to get at me). No- I'm also not saying God is punishing or anything like that... but ya know, ya (I) just get so caught up in life's whirlwind, and really caught up when it comes to our lives intersecting with a baby...

I don't want to be quick to forget the wilderness He's taken us through and the things I learned there. The number one thing I want to remember is that I must desire Him alone, above all. Trials in the wilderness don't make our faith- it's where God proves our faith. (See also post "completely-in-all")

I guess this past month of being pretty much incapacitated by nausea and morning sickness, other aspects of these physical symptoms have popped up. It seems like this time around the physical sickness is bringing on true emotional-ness (?sadness?). My counselor tells me it's another stage of grief.

It feels like, in my head, that I've been lied to; not by God really, but by people. It makes me mad (and shouldn't) when people say (and are trying to encourage me) things like 'the sickness is all worth it in the end', or 'it'll go away soon', 'God will bless you with another baby, one that's healthy', 'you'll get to be a mom this time' or 'when you see that baby....'. (well, admittedly I agree- even when I saw Bennett I nearly forgot the pain, and time has taken the memory of the labor, and that round of morning sickness away, enough to desire it again). But I guess it makes me mad that 'they' say those things, and they don't really know -if they're true. They don't know what God has planned. Or if we'll ever have a baby, or child. They don't know if things will get better- really. Only God knows. And we're not promised those things here on earth. Only thing for sure is that all this will be worth it in heaven.

side note: Man I sound despondent. Truthfully, I do believe (and Charlie preaches to me) that we will indeed be parents one day, naturally or via adoption. Ps. 84:11

I guess the question then becomes how does one encourage and talk to hurting friend with faith? Believing with them/for them, when they can't fight alone?

I don't have the answer. (except quietness and prayer and physical presence).

Another aspect that's tough for me is my physical body. It remembers the last two pregnancies. I feel like I grew 3x's as fast so far, and have been more than double or triple the sickness/bloatedness. And because I feel this time, and felt the other two times, sick- it brings up my emotions. It's almost like my body is preparing it's self for loss. Like, 'ok, we're pushing through the sickness and throw-up part, and then comes the grieving, loss and sadness, and a different kind of physical and emotional pain part'. It's all I know of being pregnant so far.

I don't want to be preparing (especially with NO REASON) mentally for grief. Yes, I guess in some ways I am still grieving Bennett and little Ruttigar. And that's OK, and healthy, they're my children, I miss not having them. I just don't want to add to it, and take on tomorrow's worries today. I want to live in faith.

Next-Being confident that I will one day get to hold this little baby in my arms is like a dream; seemingly one I don't think will really come true. Why?! Am I lacking faith? I don't really feel fear about it. For if God does choose to take this little one, then that's what he had planned from the beginning of time; it will crush me, but my heart will yet praise Him. (Job 38-42) Why can't I live in confidence about this baby?

God help me to discipline my mind to consider diligently Your truth alone.

I've been doing a precept study on Wednesday mornings at church on Hebrews. It's been great. As I wrote this I was reminded of part of the lesson from Heb. 2:17-3:14 and 4:14-16 How to LIVE OUT YOUR FAITH in the body- idea's we shared in our class:

• Stay in the Word
• Focus on Christ
• Stay in fellowship with other believers
• Look for accountability
• Look at and remember what God has done in the past - consciously
• Admit the sin of fleshly comfort
• CONSIDER Jesus. With purpose, to consider attentively, fix one's eyes or mind upon.

I think that these are a peice of the puzzle I'm trying to put together....