Three Days on the Edge of the Spear of God

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you. Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, ‘I believed, and so I spoke,’ we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that He who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” - 2 Corinthians 4:7-18 ESV

This is intended to be a full update of what God has been doing this week. It has been a time of some of the most intense suffering, and some of the sweetest mercy, grace and fellowship we have experienced in our lives. Although this road is not at an end, we wanted to explain what has been going on to our friends and family who have heard bits and pieces throughout the week, and to our friends who may not have known what was happening. As many of our friends and family know, we had been expecting our first child on Thanksgiving Day this year, and although there were infrequent slight complications, the pregnancy seemed to be going as expected.

Amanda was 18 weeks and 2 days along in the pregnancy, when on Sunday morning, June 28, at 2:30 a.m. Amanda woke up to the gushing of water. She woke Charlie up and we both quickly realized that her water had likely broken and we needed to take action quickly. Amanda called the doctor on call at her clinic, and he said that we needed to come to the hospital immediately. Without thinking about much, we quickly got in the car and made the 20-minute drive to Abbott Northwestern Hospital in Minneapolis. At the hospital, our suspicions were quickly confirmed that Amanda’s water had broken –but unexpectedly, the baby was very much alive, with a robust heartbeat of 154 bpm (which is the rate it had generally been for several weeks). While we rejoiced greatly that the baby was alive, we soon learned that the situation was not good.

At our hospital, a baby delivered at 23-and-a-half weeks has about a 50% chance of survival. Our baby was 5 weeks away from that benchmark, and an ultra-sound revealed that it now had virtually no amniotic fluid at all. Amniotic fluid serves not only to cushion the baby throughout development, but also provides space to move and develop joints and muscles and the substance baby breathes in order for the lungs and digestive track to develop. Consulting with doctors, nurses and friends, we learned that, at 18 weeks gestation with no amniotic fluid, the baby may die, Amanda may get an infection or labor may begin. If none of these things happen, the baby can survive for days or weeks without fluid, but development of the lungs, organs and joints may not continue. We were also told that there was a 5% or less chance that the amniotic sack could spontaneously (miraculously) seal, fill with fluid and the pregnancy could resume, albeit with strict, continued bed-rest until delivery.

By dawn on Sunday morning, between calls to our families and friends, and further discussions with the doctors, we realized the chances of a “good outcome” (survival of a healthy baby to full or near-full term) were very slim. Yet, with the baby’s heart beating as strong as ever, we could not put our trust in statistics. We had to put our trust in God; that He could sustain the baby’s life –even in this condition, –that He could take the baby’s life at any time, –that He could begin labor, –and that even at that time He was knitting our baby together in Amanda’s womb and was in total and complete control over a situation that seemed such a catastrophe to us. That Sunday morning, God brought the right people with the right words to us and we decided that as difficult as it may be, we would wait and continue to do whatever could be done to save the baby and let God do what He would do in His time. Sunday stretched on into Monday with no changes.

Many of you know that we suffered a miscarriage of a nine-week-old baby in mid-January, 2009 due to chromosomal deficiencies. As difficult as that situation was, it is what we would describe as a very “clean” pain. The baby died very suddenly, and because of the significant chromosomal deficiencies, had no chance to develop further. The path was clear, and the physical situation was soon over and we could begin healing.

The time from Sunday morning through Monday and into Tuesday was a time of the most intense suffering we have ever experienced. This was no clean pain at all. This was a confluence of circumstances that seemed designed to cause the most anguish and agony possible. Our thoughts were all over the place. There was of course the “why”, but much more than that was the “what do we do”? If this had happened 2 weeks earlier, the chances of survival would be so low that we would know, with relative certainty, the outcome. If this had been 3 weeks later, we could fight and hang on until the baby was viable enough to be placed on life support in the hospital without the developmental damage that 5 weeks without amniotic fluid would inflict. We had the intense hurt of knowing that we would probably lose our baby, and also an intense fear that the baby would survive, without labor or infection, for weeks, only to be delivered and put on life support and probably die in pain shortly thereafter. There was also the knowledge that Amanda would have to endure the entire experience of labor and delivery, without the joy of a baby afterward. The fact that Amanda had just one day earlier begun to feel the baby kick, and that she continued to feel it kick and move after the fluid was gone made things so much worse. The pain was crushing during this time, and neither of us knew what would happen, how this would end, or how we could even survive until then.

“Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and he will make straight your paths.” – Proverbs 3:5 ESV

By Monday afternoon, we had gone home to wait it out. Amanda’s mom and sister had gone home and Charlie’s parents would arrive a few hours later. What we wanted the most at that time was clarity and a sure path. The pain, darkness and uncertainty were so intense that we didn’t know if we could bear it much longer, but we wanted so much to trust God and suffer well for His glory and His purpose. We thanked God that he was working in us and through us, even in suffering, and we (with many others) begged God for mercy for us and for our baby, that He would not prolong our suffering beyond what we could bear. All we could do was wait and suffer, hour by hour, until something changed.

Tuesday morning we woke up in tears, realizing after little sleep that we had to go through another day in darkness and uncertainty with no end in sight. We got up with Charlie’s parents and tried to eat something and get through the day. Then, at around 12:30 p.m. Amanda suddenly went into labor. Our feelings were obviously mixed. We knew that in a short while we would lose our baby, and yet we felt a wave of peace, mercy and praise knowing that God had acted and answered our prayers. Charlie’s parents drove us to the hospital, our Doula (such a blessing) met us there and we began the long trek of labor.

Our precious baby died just before he was delivered at 8:13 p.m. on Tuesday, June 30. We had not known that we were having a boy, but we were happy that we were able to spend several hours with him after he was delivered. He was perfectly and fully formed, weighed 6.3 ounces and was 8.4 inches long. Both of our families and we held him and took pictures with him for a couple hours before we said our final goodbye.

We thought for a while before delivery about names, and we decided to name him Bennett Torger Johnson. We named him “Bennett” because it is Latin for “little blessed one” and “Torger” after Charlie’s great-grandfather. We hadn’t really known what “Torger” meant at the time, but we learned that it is Old Norse for “Spear of God.” We thought that was very fitting, because although he did not live long, he was used so powerfully by God to bring God glory, to change our lives and impact the lives of many others. We are comforted with the knowledge that Bennett lived this life without suffering and that he slipped quietly into the glorious presence of Jesus to enjoy an eternal existence with God.

The things we can see God doing through this experience would fill a list too long for this post, and we know that God is doing immeasurably more than we can ever know. We are so thankful to every one of you who have reached out to us with kind, compassionate and loving words, facebook messages, e-mails, meals and especially prayers. Although our suffering was (and is) intense, we know that so many people around us are suffering in much greater measure and for a much longer time. We are extremely thankful to know people who will stand with others in the darkness, fight for their faith and help them to suffer well to the glory of God. You have all been vehicles of God’s mercy to us in this time, and although the road ahead will likely be long and difficult, we thank you each for your continued support and love. We will certainly need it in the days and weeks ahead.

“Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” – Romans 5:1-8 ESV

-Love, Charlie and Amanda