a year later

It was one year ago today that our son Bennett Torger Johnson was born, and immediately went to be with Jesus.
What a journey this year has been. God has been good to us.

fantastic friends and food

Here's a peek into my thoughts:

Eileen brought us a very delicious super, which included the most beautiful and delightful blueberry tart. She is such a godly example of how to selflessly love others.

Maryann brought us a quilt for our son, made by the women at our church. She also satisfied my sweet tooth with gourmet carmel corn. She is always ful of joy and genuine concern for other people.

Eileen and Maryann are my mentors in my Titus Two group; they are faithful friends whom I treasure.

My little sister Cally came on Wednesday night and has been keeping me company, and letting me boss her around, keeping the house picked up, watching movies with me, and yesterday made this delicious Poppy seed bread with lemon butter. MMMMMmmmm.

This is where I am most of the day, every day. BUT it's helped! -you have helped! THank youf for the prayers, love, support, encouragement, meals, etc!

My 23 week-neess

old forgotten draft-wet baseball

Soooo, back on May 25?? -what now seems like an eternity ago with all that's happened- we went to a baseball game.

I had forgotten about this unwritten draft with all the pictures of that night just sitting in my list of posts to blog. oops. So with out further a-do:

^Kirt and Kristi braved the rather stormy looking night with us. Here we're walking into the new Target field.

^Charlie had scored some awesome seats in the 14th row just behind home plate. We could see everything!

^We enjoyed some ballpark food, (well, most of us).

^and as afternoon turned to evening, the dark clouds began to roll onto us and the city of Minneapolis. tut-tut... it looks... like...

...first, just ominous dark clouds...then the drops started, and seats began to empty out...

...then the down pour, chilly breeze and lightening by the 5th inning...

...and finally-the white tarp.

We were soaked and cold by the time we left.

^But it was a fun night for memory-making, slippery flip-flop walks and all.

We stopped to take a few pictures of my 19 week belly and Little Mr. at the Twins stadium:

that's all.

tid-bits from 22

It's been another quiet week! That's a great thing. We went to the Dr. on Monday and it went pretty well. My cervix is the same as last week, and the cerclage is holding everything closed. Sunday evening and Monday I was having some small contractions, and small amount of pain, so she put me on the contraction monitor for a while. It ended up being mostly a couple small contractions and some irritation contractions while I was there. She said it looked MUCH better than when I was being monitored in the hospital. She said just keep doing more of the same- laying and staying put.

This is what I'm looking like:

Some days or moments throughout the day I feel like I'm going to go crazy. I have come to appreciate shower days and Dr. days, and have no problem with getting stuck in traffic along the way. -prolongs my outings! ;-) Hahaha.

Our small group came out to our house to meet this past Sunday, thanks guys; it was so good to see you all!

Charlie has been my sanity. The moments I break down into tears, and think I can't do another minute-or day of this, he's there to hold me, listen, and remind me that it won't be forever. And in the especially tough times, he takes me to the DQ or makes cookies (above) at 10pm.

Baby was looking great at in the ultrasound. We could see how he was gaining more and more chubbers even since last week!

^Little Guy had his patty's up by his face and eyes that day.

And even though our Little Mr. is putting on weight, and getting bigger now... he's got NOTHING on his 2 month old cousin, Landon. (This is Bird's baby boy at a baseball game on vacation last week out east): Talk about Mr. CHUBBERS!

Mmmm I love it (him!). It's hard to believe he was just over 7lbs when he was born a few weeks ago. Love you so much precious nephew! Kisses!

Oh July 1 and 2 we get to have a shot of steroids to help Little Mr's lungs develop. (that's week 24)!!!!!!

21st week quieted by love

Another week down! Yippee- skip-twirl-hop-throw head back laughing---if only I actually could. That's what it feels like. (except this tiny little part of me that worries, that still won't go away, probably until I'm holding my baby boy in my arms).

It's been a quiet week. That is a great thing. I've spent it flat on my bed (exception: an outing to get my P17 shot injection and today was shower day)! The Little Guy is growing and moving like crazy; my tummy is really popping, I can tell -even when I'm on my back. So awesome! I've been feeling mostly just pregnant and sick of laying. Having no physical problems this week has been encouraging. (Plug your ears little guy): In just 10 days our Little Mr. will be 23 1/2 weeks. and at our hospital, potentially viable out of the womb. (BUT you just stay put until October Little Mr.)!

Based on our level two ultrasound at late 20 weeks, a week and a half ago, I drew something this week. He was about 1 pound then. I thought it'd be cool to see how big Little Mr. would be according/scaled to those measurements. And I tried to take the facial cues from the profile shots we got that day. This is very close to how big baby was last week. (he's grown bunches since then) : (note my hand and the camelback water bottle-the baby was bigger than that even)!

And this is what I look like from the outside in week 21:

Encouragement came from these girls this week. (and others not pictured). The meals, the chats, the phone calls, the gifts, the kitchen cleaning, the mini-facial! (thanks Jaz!), the hugs, the movie watching, the texts. You all have been so great this week! Thanks for walking with me.

A friend in Ireland (thanks Joanne) sent me this encouragement this week, I especially loved verse 17:

Zephaniah 3:14-17

Sing aloud, O daughter of Zion; shout, O Israel! Rejoice and exult with all your heart, O daughter of Jerusalem! The Lord has taken away the judgments against you; he has cleared away your enemies. The King of Israel, the Lord, is in your midst; Your shall never again fear evil. On that day it shall be said to Jerusalem: "Fear not, O Zion; let not your hands grow weak.

The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

sustaining word

He upholds & sustains all things through the word of His power.

upholds

1 a : to give support to b : to support against an opponent 2 a : to keep elevated b : to lift up

sustains

1 : to give support or relief to 2 : to supply with sustenance : nourish 3 : keep up, prolong 4 : to support the weight of : prop; also : to carry or withstand (a weight or pressure) 5 : to buoy up ed by hope> 6 a : to bear up under: suffer, undergo

So today I needed lasting encouragement, to remind myself of my Abba's ongoing care for me and our little growing family- daily. So good see again the amazing power God possesses and displays all the time in our cosmos and world. It totally amazes me over and over again, that all the effort it takes is his WORD alone; and it's done. Hope these encourage you like they did me.

2 Peter 3:5 - The heavens existed long ago, and the earth was formed out of water and through water by the word of God.

Colossians 1:16-17 - All things were created through him and for him. 17 And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. ('All things' include things like, the earth, the sea, the atoms in the air, gravity, our emotions, and even my Little Mister's bag of waters' membranes! And all it takes to keep things there are simply his WORD)!

Isaiah 41:10 - Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (I am being upheld by my righteous Father who cares, moment by moment).

Psalm 54:4 - Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life. (And not just my life, but our Little Boy's life too).

Psalm 55:22 - Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. (He's not just allowing me to function, or do the next thing- He's sustaining me- moment by moment. Me and our Little Guy).

Hebrews 4:12,16 - For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. 16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. (I only need to draw near to God in my time of need, wow).

Psalm 3:5 - I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the Lord sustained me.

Psalm 63:8 - My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.

Psalm 145:14 - The Lord upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down.

Hebrews 1:3 - He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power. After making purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high...

Hebrews 11:3 - By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible.

2 Peter 3:5 - The heavens existed long ago, and the earth was formed out of water and through water by the word of God.

more than bones, but less than 24 weeks

Our Little Guy 21 weeks, 3 days

Ok faithful readers. I'm really starting to feel bad for you all. I wish I had something more diverse and interesting to write about every now and then. But one doesn't get a lot of "new material" of interest while laying in bed. So thanks for bearing with me and caring and keeping up- STILL. Love you guys.

Today I plan to "go shopping". My lack of clothing that fits is still a problem, but the past few weeks hasn't been an issue cuz I've been in PJ's. But I plan to check out Gap maternity and Amazon and Ebay today. (I must be bored, cuz I really don't enjoy shopping normally).

I was talking with a friend yesterday and was telling her how boring and unimportant TV has been these days. And how it's hard to fill my time with things that actually seem entertaining and help time pass more quickly. -It's a good thing I guess. I'm more prone to reading, or praying or thinking/processing, or silence, or my favorite- SLEEPING these days.

We were also talking about/discussing asking God for specific things/requests, and praying about our heart in the process-or it's response to circumstances, is one better than the other? How do they go hand in hand? Is God only interested in how I react to the 'good' (that doesn't always feel good) he designed for my life? I think He definitely cares about that, but I also believe that He loves and cares for His children and delights to do good to them. (but doesn't always give them what they want). So guess I'm interested in specific verses that would encourage us to ask for our desires, and pray boldly for miracles. They're not coming to me. I know all of those would definitely need to be balanced, almost more so, with my heart attitude towards God, and my need to value Him above all. (I get that part).

Yesterday I was feeling sad. I needed my friends to hope for me (see the last picture in this post). They did. Today I feel nervous and tentative. But I was reading John 16. Jesus has been talking to His disciples about how he's going to leave them and come again... they were all concerned about timing and details and Jesus gently reminded them- in ways they could understand, to just believe and trust in him, and hope in him, find joy in him- ask him, he's got it all under control. Don't think so much about today- think about THAT DAY- when we go to Heaven!

"When a woman is giving birth (or waiting for her Little Guy to grow and mature inside while on bed rest), she has sorrow (or tentative, scared, hopeless feelings), because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world. So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you. (I can't wait for heaven)! In that day you will ask nothing of me. Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ask(really?) of the Father in my name, he will give it to you. (SO it's good and right to ask my Father to prolong Little Mr's life). Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."

John 16:21-24; 33b

I think I get it. But maybe I don't. It's worth processing.

Yesterday we went in for our 21 week check up, etc. We got to see Little Mr. in 3D. -It's soooo cool to see more than the bones, but also skin and tissue around them, we're beginning to to be able to imagine how his little face is forming.

^We finally got a profile shot- it'd been several weeks. And in some of the pictures we have he tilted his head way back and opened his mouth up-it looked just like he was having himself a good little laugh. so cute. He also put his hand to his mouth a few times, but we couldn't get a picture fast enough. Maybe next week.

The report on how I'm doing- I was told again yesterday (after seeing my cerclage was still in place and holding things closed via ultrasound, but my cervix has shorted to 2.5-2.7cm and is also funneling) I need to continue on bed rest. The bag of waters membranes is still in tact, but the concern is that the funneling in the cervix may create enough 'vacuum pressure' that it may cause a rupture. We're praying specifically that the bag of waters would be kept in tact for many more weeks, so our Little Guy can grow to full term. My OB mentioned she'd like to give the baby steroids in his lungs as soon as he's "technically" viable, as a 'just in case'. The viable stage is close- the first week of July, but SO far away at the same time. Please be praying with us; pray for our hearts to respond to the Lord in a pleasing and honoring way, AND pray with us for a MIRACLE.

^HOPE: This is the picture I was talking about earlier. Nichole brought us dinner and also brought this little, tiny fall onzie that says "short and sweet" with a candy corn. Little Guy is due in the fall. It made me cry. On a day I was feeling down, Nichole brought love, tears, care, and hope- tangibly. And the Dunn Brothers decaf latte was another blessing my dear Anne brought with her. Anne brought her beautiful William, (the miracle baby we asked God for for years), her smile, her love and gift of time and encouragement.

Thank you girls.

terrific twenty tummy talk

"Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever!" Psalm 118:1

Today was soooo great. Today was the day Charlie and I got to see our SON! :-) We met with the perinatal specialist, and genetics counselor and my favorite- the ultrasound technician. (Sad Bird couldn't do our level two ultrasound for us).

We found that there was just the right amount of fluid around Little Mr. still (slightly on the barely low side). We saw him in breach position and some very busy, kicking feet. (I just love being able to see and hear exactly what he's doing in there while watching. It's awesome to live in an age with the technology we have)! We saw all the proper chambers of his heart, kidneys, stomach, brain and bladder -all functioning perfectly; aided by his life line- the amazing umbilical cord. WOW. All so cool. This verse kept floating through my mind as we looked at each precious body part:

^Do you see Little Mr's cute little lips? (his nose is towards the left of the photo and his tiny chin to the right).

Psalm 139:14-16 "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;

my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."

^Can you see his little patty resting on his right thigh?

^This is Little Guy's profile shot, mostly highlighting the edges of his skull/head, towards the right of the picture you can see his upper body and those black "holes" are his stomach and heart showing up. Baby is looking up.

No one but my little sister, Bridget, may know what this list means, so this is for you Auntie Bird.

Interpretation: In all of his measurements our strong boy is measuring 1-1 1/2 weeks ahead, and they said he weighs a pound. YAY! We like a strong baby!

Another praise- thanks to the cerclage and bedrest- my cervix has thickened from 1.7 (at it's worst) to 3.5cm!!! YAY!

The Dr. said I can now sit up to eat and a couple other times a day, and shower every other day- Yippee! He said stay mostly down until my next appointment though, early next week.

Each day seems to bring on new and more hope. We're thankful for the way God has helped and answered our prayers as we have waited the past 12 days. We're praying that we will trust and hope in His steadfast love alone.

Psalm 33:20-22

Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you.

Aslo, real quick, I wanted to give a shout out to this amazing woman- Nichole!

My "nurse friend" Nichole has so graciously and skillfully been giving me a P17 intramuscular shot since week 17. This progesterone shot will help keep everything as thick and strong as possible while baby grows; I'll have them weekly until baby is born. Thank you Nichole for helping our baby stay put and grow, and for shooting me in the butt. LOL! You're fabulous-and much appreciated!!!