Merry Christmas 2011!

Photo's by the lovely: ginazeidler.com

never posted thoughts from 2009

Bennett Torger Johnson

Born: June 30, 2009, 8:13 PM Weighed 6.4 ounces, 8.4 inches long

Ps. 139:5 You hem me in, behind and before,
 and lay your hand upon me.
 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; 
it is high; I cannot attain it. 13 For you formed my inward parts;
 you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
 14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. 
Wonderful are your works;
 my soul knows it very well.
 15 My frame was not hidden from you,
 when I was being made in secret, 
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
 16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
 in your book were written, every one of them, 
the days that were formed for me,
 when as yet there was none of them.

I’m a mom! I truly feel like a mommy now- I’ve held a perfect little baby boy in my hands and arms, I’ve

kissed tiny feet (no bigger than one inch) and a little nose smaller than a pea. I watched as my darling husband held our baby boy in his hands so gently. I’ve said, “I love you little baby Bennett”. I’ve felt the anguish of a parent being helpless to aid my hurting, dying child, who I felt kick inside me, with the sac of waters drying out. I’ve heard the strong heart beat (154 bpm) of a healthy baby right up until delivery; and then falling silent upon entering this world. He was amazing and small and delicate and fully formed. His features and traits could be established and identified already- he had Charlie’s poochy/pouty lips. A strong shoulder line, and muscle in his arms already. His hand had creases in it, on the handprint we have, it looks like mine and my dad’s- the “life lines” were in the same places as ours. His feet were long- and he had skinny, long, little legs like his daddy -he would have been tall like both of us without a doubt. His skin was very thin, shiny, smooth and red still; the lacey small veins could be seen all over his little body. On his face and forehead the pours had developed, and you could just barely see the baby eyebrow hairs coming in. His eyelids had formed, but were still fused shut. He had the cutest teeny ears, and small sweet mouth (less than .5cm wide). His mouth opened and closed, in it was a gum line and the littlest tongue I’ve ever seen. His bones were there and his joints all moved; all the fingers and toes fully separated and bent. And as I held him for the last time, his mouth opened and his hand slipped up by his mouth and his little thumb popped right in. It was adorable. Bennett is memorable.

I feel like I now understand labor better. (Maybe not fully, like a 40-week labor, but I definitely went through it. I think the intenseness would last longer with a bigger baby.) I know the ache (not pain of the stinging, shooting, cutting, searing sort) of labor pains, I know now that my body gets a rush of adrenaline; so much that it made me shake uncontrollably. I know why mommy’s moan, in what I can imagine would be the joy of anticipation of their little one. Because even knowing my baby would die upon birth, going through it, and seeing the little life debut out of me was utterly amazing! I was fascinated with how God orchestrates the whole birthing process! And even though Bennett slipped into Jesus’ presence before I met him, I was still filled with a happiness that’s hard to express. I’m thankful that I had the privilege of birthing, looking at, crying over, holding, memorizing, and kissing my son. It was still stunning to hear the nurse say, “It’s a little boy!” I praise God for my fearfully and wonderfully made baby boy!

The experience was excruciating. Definitely not a path I would choose to go down. One just doesn’t expect to be woke at 2:30 AM on a Sunday morning, June 28, out of a dead sleep, having done nothing out of the ordinary, to the warm gush of water between my legs. –Unexpected at 18.5 weeks especially. I got up in a sleepy stooper and woke Charlie, “I think my water broke!” watery, light pink, amniotic fluid continued to flow out of me at a quick rate, through a phone call to the doctor on call, through the late, long car ride to the hospital (25 minutes to Abbott Northwestern, downtown Minneapolis) and the walk to the 6^th floor. In the car I thought for sure that our baby “Turkish” had died. We went straight up to the labor and delivery area, and they did a “ph” test that confirmed it was really my placenta sac that had broken. (they call this PROM, premature rupture of membranes). We discussed options with the very understanding and patient OB on call, Dr. Peterson, and he said rest until 7 or 7:30am and we’ll decide then what to do next. We were no where near being able to rest, but we managed to call our doula, Sara Dick from Bethlehem, and Bridget and my mom-all who drove up right away. Sara arrived at about 6:10am. With her help and insight we decided not to induce labor. There was a small chance (less than 5%), that God could miraculously seal the hole in my placenta, and my body, which continuously makes amniotic fluid, could then fill it back up. I’d be on bed rest then until baby Turkish was born. So we stayed in the hospital all day Sunday and Sunday night. Bridget and mom arrived about 9:30am, and hung out with us, cried and prayed with us.

That night Pastor Kenny Stokes and his wife came out and we got to pray together for Bennett, and Charlie and I, with Kenny had a baby dedication for our son. It went something like this… “Little one (we didn’t yet know if it was a boy), together with your parents, who love you dearly, and this people who care about the outcome of your faith, I dedicate you to God, surrendering together with them all worldly claims upon your life, in the hope that you will belong wholly to God for ever.” He also encouraged us by saying that what we had chosen to do (wait) was hard, but the most God-glorifying choice.

Talk about tough, and real promises. We were all in tears after that. Never had surrendering “all earthly claims on a life” been so profoundly real. And at the same time, very freeing. God owes me nothing, he’s not promised me or any child or person a certain number of days. I had preconceptions that I would get to spend time with this little one growing inside me, to love on him, hug him and watch him grow up; but God saw fit that this baby should go directly from the darkness of my womb to his loving arms- bypassing sin, hurt, pain and guilt, and sorrow on earth; to know fully, a Savior and Abba who loves and will hold him close as He worships and sings to his Maker, along side a host of other such little ones. Tears roll down my cheeks now -of pain and grief- but also of complete gratefulness and promise in imagining that scene. This is part of His promised plan!

We decided early Sunday morning that we should not take any further steps (taking this baby’s life into our own hands- meaning that we knew if we induced labor, he would undoubtedly die). We felt like God should have full control of this baby’s life or death. It wasn’t our decision to make. So we waited. We waited until Monday morning in the hospital, with constant checking for infection or any beginnings of labor pains, etc. but nothing happened. They released us to go home and continue to wait, they would check again, via ultrasound on Wednesday, the baby’s heart rate, and my condition- unless something else happened between time.

Monday from 10am until Tuesday 12:30pm was the most trying, dark, painful, sorrowful, heavy path Charlie and I have ever walked down. My bible study girls came out and kneeled by me on the couch and listened, and cried and prayed for the baby, Charlie and I- that our trust and faith would remain unbroken, encouraged me with a hymn “Day by Day”, and brought us a dinner. Charlie’s parents came late that night. I realized that it wasn’t just me who was hurting. There were a number of people who loved us, and this little baby and didn’t want us to hurt. It’s a precious thing to have friends and family care so intensely about me and a baby they’ve never met, that they cry along side us, walking the dark path, fighting and mourning and praying with us.

Charlie and I wept. Tears spilled out in the living room, in the bed, in lawn chairs in our back yard. You could visibly see our hurt. We felt a heavy burden of responsibility for this waiting period and the precious life that was still inside of me. We knew the probable outcome, but were scared of the potential life outcomes (if he actually lived). Were we ready to deal with those too? How could we be responsible for bringing a child into a world (even for a few days or hours) to be poked, prodded, etc. then die in a more painful way? God had given us strong conviction to stand strongly pro life. Life belongs to God; he is the decider of the timing of birth and death, not us. So we would trust and wait that He would (did) work it out in His timing. In my heart of hearts I began to pray that Jesus would just take this baby to live with him, and spare him any type of hurt.

We took showers, finally, at 12:20pm Tuesday. It was then that God chose to move in answering our prayers. I stepped into the shower, having had no physical discomfort, pain or changes. I washed and felt something squishy as a brushed over it… I called Charlie and his Mom in to come look, I was too scared to look or feel again. It was the umbilical cord. “It’s OK. *breath* Praise the Lord! This is an answer to prayer!” were the first words out of my mouth. Charlie’s adrenaline must have gone sky high; he wasn’t sure what to do next. He cared for me so well, he’s so tender. We called Dr. Flom. God allowed a peace to rush over me in body and soul.

Mom and Dad J. drove us to the hospital. I rode lying down in the back of the mini van. I had 3-4 contractions. What a new and strange feeling that was.

* * *

We thoughtfully picked a name for our son, Bennett Toger Johnson. The name “Bennett” because it is Latin for “precious little one” and “Torger” after Charlie’s great-grandfather. We hadn’t really known what “Torger” meant at the time, but we learned that it is Norse for “Spear of God.” We thought that was very fitting, because although he did not live long, he was used so powerfully by God to bring God glory, to change our lives and impact the lives of many others.

Lamentations 3:22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; 
his mercies never come to an end;
 23 they are new every morning;
 great is your faithfulness.
 24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, 
“therefore I will hope in him.”

alone time

Asher- You're amazing. This week you've been playing in your room all alone or in the pack 'n play in the living room for literally hours on end. Like right now you've been playing with a few toys and flipping through books in the living room quietly talking to yourself. This has afforded mommy some much needed time to catch up on your baby book blogging. I'm so thankful you enjoy looking at and reading books. And that you know how to play by yourself so well. Actually mommy could probably stand to spend more time interacting/playing/teaching you a little more these days. You're growing up so fast!

SO- expect some of my blog abandonment issues to get resolved soon!

You zoned our for a sec while eating, so cute.

Also, this week you have turned a communication corner...a funny example:
-Last week Daddy and I were teaching how to use the hair brush, and you got it right away. Brushing the top and back of your head with the soft bristles. We would say "Oh SO HANDSOME", "good job", etc to you. Flash back to two nights ago... Mommy and Daddy were talking in the kitchen while you ate supper and somehow it came up in conversation for Daddy to throw in a "SO HANDSOME" about something not related to you and when he said it you instantly got your little food/goo coated patties up and started stroking the sides and back of your head. It was absolutely adorable, funny and messy. We were shocked you had remembered and did it without prompting! LOL!

-Yesterday, after months of trying to show you how to sign please and more, you just magically started signing please. Perhaps it had to do with the fact you never get sweets and mommy had shared a nibble of a rice krispie treat you thought was super yummy and wanted more. Cuz I asked you just once, "Show mommy more-please" and wha-lah- you did it! It so great to know you are actually understanding what we're saying buddy!

-You consistently say "HI" when you notice us walk into a room, or return home. You get SUPER excited if one or both of us have left you with a babysitter or friend and return home -you greet us with an elated, happy, delighted smile, squeals and laughs. You do that at the church nursery too. (♥) You have never cried when we leave you and from all reports we've gotten have not cried about us being gone either. You're just a happy and content little man. Thanks buddy. It makes our life easier.  

-There are a multitude of other words you say and VERY notable highlights as of late. They're coming soon~

1 point One

One year, one month

Asher words:

Mao- mAo -(we're not sure sometimes if you mean more or NO) sometimes you use it as exclamation and sometimes as scolding

Dada & Mama -and you know who you mean

Books

Watch

Hot

Hat

Sock(s)

Hi

Uh-Oh

Mo -more

B-bb-bbbbbr -car sound as you push it around

Discovered how to "fake" laugh -and then you think that's pretty funny

We taught you how to brush your hair last week and said "Oh SO handsome" now when we say "so handsome" you run your hands through your hair and play with the back of your head. SO CUTE!

Other noteworthy details:

You have 12 teeth (four on top, four on bottom, four molars).

Turbo crawler

Walks holding on to things

Stands up alone

Loves to play with shoes

Gives snuggles with hips and giant open mouthed kisses (and excited bites)

Sleeps from 7:20pm - 7 or 8am with no waking

Plays happily alone for 1-2 hours at a time (reads books, and play w/toys)

Adores baby's and children

Dance-dance-dances to music 

Strongly affected by music- you are especially vulnerable to settling down or sleep when we play a song on your Baby Einstein: Naptime Melodies CD {Bonnie (references melody My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean)}  2 minutes and 09 seconds of pure baby bliss I'm tell'n ya!

Happy bather once again, voluntarily lays down and plays in water

Likes to be outside, spots birds and squirrels now

Enjoys wrestling and playing rough with Daddy

Elated to hug and cuddle your blankie and "bear" 

Still nursing about 3 times per day

Prefer to feed your self

Not a picky eater really, if you get to eat it your way. You eat banana's like they're going out of style!

Add caption

Family photo's by the lovely: ginazeidler.com

::: stay tuned :::

HI.
I exist.  Asher is thriving. Charlie is swell.
Pictures have kept getting snapped. Memories keep happening. Events take place. months just keep rolling on.

I have failed to blog. I want to. I will. I just haven't made time. I am a little frustrated with how blogger interacts with photos right now- so that's been my major delay. Not a lack of things to right about.

please stay tuned.

ONE

ONE YEAR OLD ASHER CLARK: adored, loved, cherished, busy, precious, assertive, sweet, chubby, affectionate, adorable, happy, silly, determined, vibrant,  climber, investigative, strong-hearted, sweet, self-entertained.

One year old, Tiny sch-muffin, firstborn, baby boy: your mommy and daddy are so grateful for your little life. You've blessed us in countless ways son. We thank Jesus for you often.

We continue to pray that the Lord will show you your need for Him at an early age and you will want to know Him personally and live fully for Him, and that He will use you to love others well.

On your birthday weekend we celebrated YOU with family in Waterloo.
Your first birthday party was pretty low-key, small and informal but very fun.

Happy first birthday Asher Clark Johnson. May it be the first of MANY!

a('s) nursery

So, although it needs some tweaking (gotta fix the curtains, and arrange the dresser top, and find a small reading chair for Asher, and a sling book shelf) his nursery was finished last month.

I can't believe I let it slide until he was nine months old! I was in no hurry. (Honestly, I was a little too timid during pregnancy to decorate a whole room, because I had "just in case" syndrome- and not in a good way).  The first several months he wouldn't have noticed anyway. No biggy. The only reason I would now recommend new moms to have the nursery completed before baby comes is this: the new little one creates all kinds of reasons to "do it later" or "maybe I'll finish it when dad comes home or grandma comes to visit".  E-hem. It doesn't happen. Just do it before the little love child arrives and be done. lesson learned. oh well.

These are some snap shots from this morning.

Asher seems to enjoy his new room!

He likes it so much he could (does) eat it!

Any thoughts on preventing this?... some sort of bumper?

I painted white stripes on the wall. Love'n FROG tape!

We went with a burnt orange/red accent color.

The sling bookshelf will sit under the pictures. When I order it.

Asher enjoys looking at and talking to himself in the mirror, so I put one at his level.

the play box

All the toys in the sink

A few weeks ago I bleached/cleaned every single last one of Asher's toys. (Yes I'm a little bit of a clean freak- but only about "sick" germs -vrs dirt, grass, etc) Anyway, this is beside the point.  I must say that I was pretty pleased to discover that ALL of them -pictured above- fit into one side of the sink!

Why am I so pleased?
Because it's my goal to not smother him with toys. I want to give him room to be creative with what he has. -Not that we will deprive him of toys, but we will limit the amount of them. He so happily entertains his own little babyness for nearly 45 minutes at a time, give or take. He will play with or chew a couple of toys, then crawl around and stand and walk from thing to thing. -Usually talking or yelling rather LOUDLY. (man boys are SO much louder than girls)!

We keep one small basket downstairs of little things for him to play with; and he's more interested in climbing, crawling, or trying to get the remote controls. (how do they always know that the one you gave them is the play one, even if it used to be the "real" one)?!

Upstairs we have a little toy bin next to the chair, and he enjoys taking all the toys out, plays a bit and then moves on to other things around the room.

Checking out one toy at a time

The cupboards are filled with "toys"

Asher loves playing in the kitchen while I work. Things like bowls, spoons, pots, empty jugs, etc are among his favorite forms of entertainment. Chewing, banging, rolling, unloading...  I love that he doesn't have to have toys to be play/learning.

He is fascinated with babies. He squeals with delight at the
sight of them, wants to kiss them, and touch them.

He likes books. I've hit several garage sales this summer and expanded his book collection. I highly recommend this form of purchasing books. I want him to be around books from a very young age, and I don't want to have to take them away from him because after he was done looking at (or kissing, as pictured above) the pictures he decided to gum a page or two. At .25 or .50 cents I'm ok with it.  We read while he plays sometimes too. I want him to love books, and to always have access to them.

Imagination development is an essential quality that often gets stifled by stuff in todays culture.
My theory (so far) is buy a few high quality things and let him loose, to learn to play and entertain and learn on his own. For gifts we hope to give him things like music classes, or swim lessons, or tumbling classes, or books rather than stacks of nearly unused toys in every room.

We'll see how long this theory lasts.
What's your theory or thoughts?

10 month Asher

Month 10, Week 1
You play quietly in your room with toys for nearly an hour, all by yourself. Nice WORK!
7.12  -Pulled himself up to standing in his crib (he was really wanting out).
7.13 -You became the proud owner of your fifth tooth- the Top Left (beside the front two) FINALLY (those two side teeth kept moving up and down for weeks and have been about thru for a long time- lots of drool and chomp'n).
7.14 -The sixth tooth pushed through too! Top Right (beside the front). PHEW!
7.15 -We bought a tiny whale pool, you are loving it, but often decide it's most fun to crawl out onto the grass and get dirty, explore and eat (the grass, leaves, and rocks). VERY busy.
7.15 -I think you started bouncing to music for the first time. (I had country playing, and you hadn't heard that before).
7.15-17 -You are SO fast at crawling now! And SO BUSY. We turn for a second and you without fail will zip your little self into the bathrooms. Your favorite is daddy's. I think you like the registers on the floor (which you also have learned to lift up and take off, so smart).

Month 10, Week 2

7.17-18 -you've noticed when the sun hits the floor, and you are fascinated by touching it.
7.18 -patty-cake it is! Over the weekend Daddy taught you how to clap! And now you think you're big stuff, sitting there banging your fists together "clapping" while we sing the rhyme.
7.20 - You've pulled yourself to standing  several times today. The railing is your favorite place to do it.

7.23 - Buddy, you climbed two stairs by yourself. You can hurdle yourself over most anything now.

Month 10, Week 3

7.24 - Now, instead of snuffing in and out really fast when you're pleased about something you've changed it to a sucking in of air that sounds like you have asthma. Kinda a loud inward breathing scream.  And you've figured out how to do this when you nurse too. (yes, this annoys mommy a little). Good thing your phases go by fast.
One phase that's still dragging on is the whole strong dislike for diaper changes and clothes applications. You turn, and cry, and wiggle, and complain about both. We try to tell you that if you're just still and cooperative it'd be done a whole lot quicker; you don't seem interested in testing our theory.
7.25 -Feeding yourself. Today you fed yourself shaved turkey, noodles, shredded cheese and cheerio's, and you did a great job of it. (super messy, but no choking, etc)!
7.30 -In Waterloo all of the Bohlen side got together to celebrate Great Grandpa Bohlen's 80th birthday with him!

Oh look, your nursery got done at age 10 months! YAY!

my lovelies and littles

This week has been just like "July in Minnesota is supposed to be".  Or so the radio announcers said today. Supposed to be or not- I agree with this lovely less humid, yet hot weather. It promotes fun days with my dearest friends, at local parks, nestled by lakes, grassy hills, sun-kissed cheeks, laughter, hugs, and bonding.  -Did I mention I LOVE SUMMER!!!?!

Anne, Jaime, Andrea & Erica w/the littles

 See that tiny Little Hat-Covered Dot head'n for the hills? (or rather, truck'n down the hill and toward bath house...).  That would be my child. No second look back, no 'mom, is this ok?' look, only one small break to look about and make sure he was on HIS track...Yup....dooo-ti-deety-ti-doo-doo. He was on his own little adventure, until I retrieved him. Which apparently wasn't entirely disagreeable either; -judging from his high-in-the-air tossed giggles and kissed up, smiling cheeks.

My Lovelies.  

This happened to be Erica's last picnic with us before they enter the next chapter of the lives in a different state. I (we) will miss this woman of god and her humble depth, inner joy and peace, and real transparency.  HUGS TO YOU ERICA! Fare better than well!

it is ok to break

I was talking to another mom and she was saying how she feels guilty sometimes about how much she looks forward to nap time and bed time. ...she felt like she should love every second of this tough job of mothering.

Well, I say IT IS OK to look forward to these breaks of sleeping littles. (I mean for one, obviously, babies HAVE to have it, they do a lot of learning and growing during that time). But aside from the practical aspects, it's good to have time to yourself away from your sweeties. To do things you need to do, or things you enjoyed before baby, keep growing your own person. (Even if that means a magazine, facebook, devo's or a nap). Everybody is happier that way. Days at home as a mommy can get super long.

And to further the point, I for one, feel like a few times a week 30 minutes of video time isn't gonna kill off brain cells. And if it gives me time to recollect myself and my frazzled emotions if a certain little one has been (GASP!)--crazy cranky- it's a must.

EXHIBIT #1:

he was a near napless wonder that day

Just breathe.

Pray.

Walk away. (they'll live).

Collect yourself.

Find yourself.

You (we'll) be better mommy's for it.

Start again.

"IMHO"

caven cousins and auntie visit

Auntie Liz visited for a quick overnight and morning visit this weekend. The love, fun, excitement, and entertainment she brought with her (that is: Elliot, Emma, Isa and Henry) are always fun for us (and Asher LOVED playing with and watching them). We had late night showers, a pancake picnic, did a little catch in the yard, mini walks, movies, and stair climbing (by Asher and Henry). Fun, fun, fun.

Happy we get to see you guys again soon!

he climbs

After maneuvering himself into a stand on the first stair, Asher decided he could go ahead and climb the stairs by himself today. (stairs in the literal sense, meaning TWO whole stairs all by himself). OH BOY! He can also crawl over us, over large objects, and can prop himself to standing most anywhere.

Little Mr. Asher is quite pleased with his accomplishment

It still takes him a while to get up (that won't last long, I'm sure)

He does a lot of concentrating

He still would prefer to go up "like a big boy" -one foot on each step up,  half flying up the stairs.