democracy, division?

It's election year.

If this is news to you, well we all welcome you back from your hiking trip in the remote Himalayas. (and I am personally jealous of you).

Kinda hard to miss that this event is coming right up. Not as bad as when we lived in Iowa (an early primary's state)-they've had it bad with commercials and news for like a year and a half already.

Let me just preface this rant complaining cautionary post with this: I am QUITE thankful to live in America. To have the freedoms we do, to vote to choose our forthcoming leaders, those things truly are a privilege.

So this is what gets me in election years especially: People's WILDLY opinionated and slanted statements, hardly fact-checked, and so cutting and insensitive. (I'm not taking sides here- not even a little). I'm not even going to touch on the politicians themselves, I'm talking about my friends and family here- people I know and love.

Great. Already stepping on toes.

My main open wound: Facebook. (and a random email here and there).
Who: lots of "friends" (I promise I don't have anyone particular in mind)

Why? Well, it's just too easy to post, share, or repost something that struck a chord with you in that small moment, in split second, with the click of a button. I think this may be the case for many. Or maybe posting your opinion online gives this feeling of false security to the one proclaiming their opinions or comments (ie: the positives and negatives to each candidate, their parties and their projected plans- good or bad).

It seems there is no balance or DEFERENCE to be found. People feel so led to use their social platform(s) to sway potential voters to their "side". -AS IF the insanely biased post will do any good (or !change the mind!) for the person of the 'opposing' party who you are supposedly trying to reach and recruit. (I mean, really, why else would you post a political commercial on your personal space, pushing for certain candidate or party, unless it was to sway other voters to see it your way? -we all know who we're are going to vote for in the end. And that is the beauty of our democracy, YOU are the only one at the end of the day who gets to cast your vote). {no sarcasm on this point- ok- in a perfect world, that's how it's set up}.

NOTES to MYSELF:
Where is our courteous respect for others? I'm not at all talking about laying down like a door mat, and not standing up for your beliefs, convictions, and rights... But it's PEOPLE we're talking to.  Real people with real feelings and stories and needs connected to them. Speak in such a way that it communicates LOVE to them. Not just my love, but the Author of Love- Jesus.

Elections, laws and leaders and nations are actually TRIVIAL in the end. They are simply a part of the world we live in. We are called to pray for leaders, and respect (ALL) of them as believers. (and respect should be considered when posting "terrible" things they may have done that you disagree with). I guess my main issue is why do we feel so riled and compelled to campaign for our party of choice so valiantly? It is SO much more important to be fighting for the SOULS (not the votes) of those around us.

MY MAIN POINT
Am I winsome and showing Jesus to those who know me?

I feel like it's divisive to be posting (all the time) about politics. We could definitely be building walls, and turning away more potential believers when we take part in this. Would you say the things you post about to others face to face- all of your 907 facebook friends? - believers or unbelievers? Will it help you build a relationship that will help point that person(s) to Jesus? Do you really wanna die on that hill? Is there not only one decision/relationship we should be so passionate about sharing?

Not everyone is where you are mentally. Where has there story brought them, how did they get to today? How can I make Jesus look attractive to them today? How can I be loving to those I know?

Grace. I know we'll see lots of things we disagree with in the coming months, and there are very few issues that are just a matter of right and wrong, biblical or sin- but not as many as you would like to think. Be gracious, loving, thoughtful, and slow in your responses to what your eyes may come across. Think first about the kind of relationship you have or don't have with someone, is it truly helpful?
In the end only Jesus and eternity matter.

raising our little man

These and other thoughts have been rolling around like marbles in my head. I have been wanting to gather these marbles for weeks now, so I can sort them and ponder the philosophy/theology behind them. And then put them to use.

I feel that raising a Little Man may be a slightly different than raising a girl (to some extent). But with either we want and pray to raise a leader, strong, steady, secure and rooted, gospel-centered child of God.  We want him to desire to know more of His Creator Savior. We want to teach him to be a kind, compassionate, tender, loving person who is caring to all humanity; to show genuine interest in others. We want him to thrive as a good communicator. Our list of hopes and dreams for his little life could go on and on.

Little Mr. is so privileged to have a godly, steady, and loving Daddy in his life. And he has also been blessed with a rare treasure of very wise and godly Grandpa's. He has multiple men in his immediate family whose example is worthy of imitation. We are so grateful.  We will urge him to study these people (including Auntie's and Uncles) closely, and learn from them. God has richly blessed his heritage.

Like any other mommy of a little boy- I want to protect him, shield him from hurt and pain. I don't ever want him to climb too high and fall, or peddle too fast and skin a knee, or jump down and split his lip, but all of this comes along with the territory I hear. I'm sure we'll make it through; but I will be praying for extra protection over him quite often I'm sure. (Being raised in a house with four girls didn't exactly prepare me for these types of things)!  :-)

One area I would like to be careful in is reprimanding and, if needed, giving consequences. Punishing my Small Man with respect is very important to me.  I want to love and punish/reprimand him, even at his early age, with respect. I took note in this area from a friend. Her son knows she is in charge, and she is the mommy, but also that she cares enough about his emotions and manhood to carefully, privately and patiently punish him. She try's to take him to a different room (to not shame him openly), it's between just the two of them. They discuss with words what happened, what his heart was feeling/doing, what Jesus wants him to do, and as necessary gives a consequence to him. And I think doing it like this protects his manhood, and teaches him to deal with confrontations in privet, and deals openly with his heart before Jesus. (This will also serve him well if he marries one day). Because Jesus alone can change his heart. Sure it takes extra time and effort, but I think it's worth it. I want to use these techniques with our son.

This next area is a little bit more of a 'teetry' subject: ways we as parents misunderstand our children. (I linked the article I read). For the most part Charlie and I would agree with this list. Our main underlying difference from the article is that we worship God- not our child. We will teach them that they are being trained to worship God alone, and we are helping them develop a heart that will desire to be under God's authority alone. BUT, that said, we still want to tenderly care and love them, treat them as real human beings and as values members of our family, not just as our "underling child". Another difference is the self esteem issue- a child should be rewarded for their real accomplishment (however small it is, if it was their best), not be deluded by praising/rewarding them for bad or mediocre behavior.  But those things aside- these things are so important to remember as a parent. I think it's contradictory to what many christian parent practice. (I feel all too often parents fall too heavy on the authoritarian, "I'm the parent, do it because I say" side). Here's the list, but click the link to the article for further explanation:

1. We expect children to be able to do things before they are ready.

2. We become angry when a child fails to meet our needs.

3. We mistrust the child's motives.

4. We don't allow children to be children.

5. We get it backwards.

6. We blame and criticize when a child makes a mistake.

7. We forget how deeply blame and criticism can hurt a child.

8. We forget how healing loving actions can be.

9. We forget that our behavior provides the most potent lessons to the child.

10. We see only the outward behavior, not the love and good intentions inside the child.

I've also noticed that parents who also tend to lean towards "authoritarian" often unknowingly provoke the child to anger. I ran across a blog post about this subject, and it's worth reading in it's entirety.  And another helpful book for me in this area was Grace Based Parenting, I posted about Grace Based living if  ya wanna read more.

In the post she quotes a list of ways we provoke our children to anger. But what I found very helpful was her "take off-put on" (like Ephesians 4:22-24 encourages) list: (I'm just listing my favorites here)

- By encouraging them and letting them know how pleased and delighted we are with them. By pointing out the grace of God in their daily life.

- By setting an example in our daily walk with the Lord. Modeling humility. By expecting the same standard out of ourselves as we do out of our children.

- By being loving and brokenhearted when they sin. By sacrificing our own comfort and to-do list for the day to bring them back to fellowship with us and the family. By reacting to their sin with a concern for their soul.

- By honoring them privately and, on occasion, publicly.

- By listening to their side and hearing the heart underneath.

- By bearing with their weaknesses and childishness. By being consistent in discipline for sin.

- By asking for forgiveness when we sin against them.

- By remembering who we were and who we are: fellow sinners with our children and (hopefully) co-heirs of Jesus with them as well.

I hope that you find these things worth pondering and praying over today. And together, with you guys, Charlie and I are praying for wisdom and grace as we raise our child(ren).


hugs! And much grace. 

unpredictable me

5.19.11- Edit Update: this is a great post to ponder about Bible reading! "Do I have to read my Bible?"

Admission: This year I have been (unfortunately, sadly and self-destructingly) unpredictable and not faithful to be in the Word daily- or (*embarrassed) even weeks on end, for months now.

Shock, gasp and dismay-        I know.

I have no excuses good enough. I know I need more than to be fed from weekly Bible studies or listening to online sermons (which is as far as I've gotten). I mean, for heaven's sake Amanda- you're (I'm) studying HEBREW'S of all books! Doesn't this sound familiar? ---"you have become dull of hearing. For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you again the basic principles of the oracles of God. You need milk, not solid food, for everyone who lives on milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, since he is a child. But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil." (Hebrews 5:11-14 ESV) Interestingly this week, more than once, God has prompted me to get back into the Bible so I can hear from him. Most often it's been while I'm feeding my little man his milk.  Because he's a baby, he's new and young, that's what he needs, for me to feed him milk. But what am I sustaining my spiritual self with?! milk? really? Why not the whole Thanksgiving meal- Turkey and all!?

Hummmm.  God called me to Himself at a very young age and I have grown in the knowledge of my Abba (Father) since then.  I should be a mature believer. Has the business of life, (and all of my *good* excuses- bed rest, hospital, new baby, feeling yucky, family, facebook, entertainment, holidays, attender of small group and Bible studies, etc) made me dull in hearing?! Have I become immature?  a drinker of milk?   I am out of constant practice.

So today I couldn't resist his call anymore; done with this milk phase. Back to the solid food! I'm sooo grateful my salvation doesn't depend on me, my faithfulness, my works, or my own desires, I'd be ruined for sure- but it's God's constant faithfulness and mercy and grace, calling me back to himself, having written my name in His book of life, and compelling and causing my desire to know him, hear from him, and become like him, and creating a longing to live with him forever. His steadfast love endures forever. (Psalm 118).

Amen and Amen.

That still doesn't excuse my responsibility to hear from him in the Bible.


So, I've found I'm an auditory learner.  I often am more helped and encouraged when I listen to the Bible spoken.  Often when I sit to read the Bible (which I still do, most often when I'm really doing a study or something) I get distracted.  So I've found this great website that allows me to listen on my iPod, or iPhone or iMac. and there's lots of different devotional guides for daily use. ESV Reading Plans. Last year I was using the chronological guide.  This really helped me to stay faithful in my quest to daily hear from the Lord. I would listen while I drove, or cleaned, or laid in bed.

Today I clicked my iPhone on to listen to today's reading while I was napping/resting.  It was 1 Corinthians 12-14.

1 Corinthians 12:4-6 Stood out to me. It's talking about one God being over all people and all their very different and unique and special giftings.  This became so real to Charlie and I over the past couple of years.  There were so many times that God sent just the right person for the right day.  Some days it was a meal, some days it was someone talking about their life and not mine, others it was serving us by cleaning, or listening, or a hug, or crying with us, or laughing or rejoicing with us.  The way God has designed the body of Christ is absolutely amazing, and I have chills right now just thinking about how real it has become to us personally. We are all empowered by the same Spirit! Awesome! (12:11) And all those many different members were arranged by God to form His body! We need each other. 12:21-22) indispensable is the word used.  And we're to suffer, be honored, and rejoice all together. But yet he allows us to remain individuals who must LOVE on each other.  With these things in mind, 1 Corinthians 13 reads in a different light.

OK.  I'm done with my devotional.  But just had to share in my weakness, and God's greatness and mercy and faithfulness.  I hope you too are called closer to our Abba today, don't only drink milk, scavenger for the solid food. Hone your 'powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil'.

not a lone tree

Something I have learned during pregnancy and motherhood thus far:  I am not a lone tree.

While Asher was growing inside, there were many opportunities for my questions to arise.  Multiple times veteran mommies came to my aid.  -Anything from weird queasiness, and birth plans- to what should I use to catch my babies poop (cloth diapers, ec-ing, etc) and what I can use to make his clothes fit longer (...onsie extender snaps, btw).  Also got tips on good books to read, how to make baby food, and advice on how to get through breastfeeding successfully. Among MANY other topics. 

All I've had to do is post anything from one little sentence on facebook (which could gather upwards of 30 responses of loving, caring, experienced moms with 1-7 Littles), to texting dear friends late in the evening (who immediately respond with what's worked for them and their baby). Or my mom, charlie's mom or our sisters are always there with a wealth of wisdom and lots of love.  My dear husband Charlie, there with an outside (often clearer) perspective and fresh viewpoint for loving encouragement or a strong pair of arms to take over when I grow weary.

I am not alone in this mothering venture. (and we are not alone in our parenting journey).

I'm so thankful for the depth of resources and friends available to help me through. But most of all I'm thankful that as I sit nursing by the nightlight, in the darkness in Asher's room in the middle of the night, (or any other time) I can talk to my Father, Creator, Wisdom and Knowledge and Understanding Himself.  He is faithful to give mercy and grace for each moment and each trauma/problem/query/drama I encounter as a mommy. I wouldn't survive without Him by my side and as my Lord.

Thank you Lord for bringing me/us this far and for Your promises to keep leading and loving. 

Thank you friends for caring and offering advice on what has been working for your families.

Thank you family for being there for us, whether a phone call or short drive away always available to love and help.

What sweet treasures I have around me.

grace based

Grace based well, everything in life, I guess should be the goal.

But before all my time gets taken by Little Mr. and I'm yet another busy mom off the blog rolls... I thought I'd post this.

I was VERY helped by this "parenting book".  No, not the normal Dr. Sears, Baby Whisperer, Nursing Mothers Companion, or Happiest Kid on the Block- although all are quite helpful in their own right.  This book sets all of the "how-to's" aside for a moment and focuses on the philosophy behind what drives you as a parent, family, and child of God. It summarizes beautifully many of my underlying parenting philosophies that have been developing over the years. (Through having little sisters, watching other moms and dads, lots of nannying, and just aging). [I can't say I absolutely agree with absolutely everything, but pretty darn close].

The book is: Grace Based Parenting By: Tim Kimmel

I recommend that you read it. But here are a few highlights that stood out to me:

• pg. 5- Since how children 'turn out' is far more contingent on what is going on inside them than outside them; unnecessarily tight boundaries undermine the desire of the Holy Spirit who is working to build a sense of biblical moral resolve in their hearts. Children are free agents who need Jesus. Basically God is not interested in 'moral' or 'evangelical' children, but rather having their heart. Rules in the the head seldom move to the heart.
• pg. 19- Grace based parents spend their time entrusting themselves to Christ. They live to know God more. Their children are daily recipients of the grace these parents are enjoying from the Lord. And are especially graceful when their children are the hardest to love.   Grace has eternal appeal. It effects how goals are developed, discipline is handled, fears are processed, quarks are dealt with and our response to fears. (pg. 29)
• pg. 54- Give love when child is unappreciative, doesn't deserve it, it's inconvenient, costly to us and painful. Rom 5:6-8
• Unfortunately western parents can afford to raise children in evangelical hideaways & create a spiritual 'disneyland' for them. This works directly against the development of an empowered relationship with Christ!  Goal- to raise spiritually strong and gospel saturated children! Inside the boundaries of respect and honor there's room for our children to be the creative individuals God made them to be. -That's how Jesus 'parents' us.
• Our parenting method is empowered by our confidence in God, rather than our concerns about the messed up world we're raising our children in.  pg. 212- don't be concerned with how other parents view your children, be more concerned with how God views your children.

There are soooo many more points that are note worthy. I was really reminded at how much grace has been given to me minute by minute by my heavenly father, and how desperately I want to model that for our kids. I want to show them how the gospel is lived out in a consistent and loving way each day.

My favorite chapters, if you only have a little time, were 5, 6, 7, 9, & 10

Showers of Mercy-drops

Showers of blessing, Showers of blessing we need: Mercy-drops round us are falling, But for the showers we plead.

There shall be showers of blessing: This is the promise of love; There shall be seasons refreshing, Sent from the Savior above.

1. There shall be showers of blessing, Precious reviving again; Over the hills and the valleys, Sound of abundance of rain.
2. Now as to God we’re confessing, Now as on Jesus we call!
3. There shall be showers of blessing, If we but trust and obey; There shall be seasons refreshing, If we let God have His way.

Mercy= "a blessing that is an act of divine favor or compassion" 

The last few weeks have come upon us like a refreshing shower. (sometimes rather heavy, literal, rain showers too! yesterday parts of the metro got like 5-9 inches of rain!) God has been so good to us. He has used you, our friends and family, over and over again to remind us that he loves us and does have compassion on His children.  


Honestly, it's been hard at times throughout the past year or two to feel that mercy -tangibly- we know each day comes as a new mercy (it just doesn't always feel like it to me). But God has gotten us through! 


Just in the past two weeks we've had two baby showers- each celebrating God's gift of goodness to us in allowing Little Mr. to grow so strong and long in the womb, and to one day VERY SOON to hold our precious baby boy! And on top of that Charlie changed jobs (well, officially starts on the 30th); God opened doors for him to work as an "in-house attorney" at a large local/national company. (This brings him one step closer to his career goal of becoming general counsel at a company one day).  God's timing and ways are so mysterious sometimes, and this summer has brought us nearer to to Him- through prayer and dependance, and faith building. (It wasn't fun btw, but good). 'God has had His way and now it feels like a season refreshing'- as the song above states.

Praise the Lord! Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever! Psalm 106:1 

Two Saturday's ago both of our families and MANY extended family members came from all over. -Iowa, Wisconsin, and the greater metro; because I am unable to go much more than 40 minutes from home (because of the cerclage). We felt so incredibly loved by their kindness and thoughtfulness, toward us and time spent with us and getting here. Elizabeth and Bridget hosted a really darling "Little Mr." shower. (I actually don't have many pictures of it... but you can go to Liz's post about it for a few more). They had the napkins folded as ties, and the cups had mustaches, and lots of really yummy food. Thanks sisters!

And then last Saturday (top left picture below) Nichole Wells, Anne Golliher and Andrea Brogle hosted a baby shower for our friends celebrating our Little Guy! These girls are precious and treasured gifts in my life. They made Charlie and I feel so blessed! -Actually everyone who came made us feel that way. THANK YOU over and over again! There were friends from college days, book club, small group, Titus 2 group, neighbors, friends from the area and even one surprise friend from California! What an amazing day. Maryann gave a wonderful devotional, and we all enjoyed yummy food. (After completing a rather disgusting baby food guessing game)... good times.

Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever! 1 Chronicles 16:34 

We're feeling as "ready" as new parents could. I'm 36 weeks today! I've had a few practice tummy tighteners, but nothing terribly serious yet. We're positively elated at the prospect of meeting our precious son in as soon as a few short days or weeks! Sometimes I can't believe it's all really happening. 

Taste and See That the Lord Is Good. Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him! Psalm 34:8

Praise the Lord! For it is good to sing praises to our God; for it is pleasant, and a song of praise is fitting.He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  Psalm 147:1, 3

sustaining word

He upholds & sustains all things through the word of His power.

upholds

1 a : to give support to b : to support against an opponent 2 a : to keep elevated b : to lift up

sustains

1 : to give support or relief to 2 : to supply with sustenance : nourish 3 : keep up, prolong 4 : to support the weight of : prop; also : to carry or withstand (a weight or pressure) 5 : to buoy up ed by hope> 6 a : to bear up under: suffer, undergo

So today I needed lasting encouragement, to remind myself of my Abba's ongoing care for me and our little growing family- daily. So good see again the amazing power God possesses and displays all the time in our cosmos and world. It totally amazes me over and over again, that all the effort it takes is his WORD alone; and it's done. Hope these encourage you like they did me.

2 Peter 3:5 - The heavens existed long ago, and the earth was formed out of water and through water by the word of God.

Colossians 1:16-17 - All things were created through him and for him. 17 And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. ('All things' include things like, the earth, the sea, the atoms in the air, gravity, our emotions, and even my Little Mister's bag of waters' membranes! And all it takes to keep things there are simply his WORD)!

Isaiah 41:10 - Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (I am being upheld by my righteous Father who cares, moment by moment).

Psalm 54:4 - Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life. (And not just my life, but our Little Boy's life too).

Psalm 55:22 - Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. (He's not just allowing me to function, or do the next thing- He's sustaining me- moment by moment. Me and our Little Guy).

Hebrews 4:12,16 - For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. 16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. (I only need to draw near to God in my time of need, wow).

Psalm 3:5 - I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the Lord sustained me.

Psalm 63:8 - My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.

Psalm 145:14 - The Lord upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down.

Hebrews 1:3 - He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power. After making purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high...

Hebrews 11:3 - By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible.

2 Peter 3:5 - The heavens existed long ago, and the earth was formed out of water and through water by the word of God.

more than bones, but less than 24 weeks

Our Little Guy 21 weeks, 3 days

Ok faithful readers. I'm really starting to feel bad for you all. I wish I had something more diverse and interesting to write about every now and then. But one doesn't get a lot of "new material" of interest while laying in bed. So thanks for bearing with me and caring and keeping up- STILL. Love you guys.

Today I plan to "go shopping". My lack of clothing that fits is still a problem, but the past few weeks hasn't been an issue cuz I've been in PJ's. But I plan to check out Gap maternity and Amazon and Ebay today. (I must be bored, cuz I really don't enjoy shopping normally).

I was talking with a friend yesterday and was telling her how boring and unimportant TV has been these days. And how it's hard to fill my time with things that actually seem entertaining and help time pass more quickly. -It's a good thing I guess. I'm more prone to reading, or praying or thinking/processing, or silence, or my favorite- SLEEPING these days.

We were also talking about/discussing asking God for specific things/requests, and praying about our heart in the process-or it's response to circumstances, is one better than the other? How do they go hand in hand? Is God only interested in how I react to the 'good' (that doesn't always feel good) he designed for my life? I think He definitely cares about that, but I also believe that He loves and cares for His children and delights to do good to them. (but doesn't always give them what they want). So guess I'm interested in specific verses that would encourage us to ask for our desires, and pray boldly for miracles. They're not coming to me. I know all of those would definitely need to be balanced, almost more so, with my heart attitude towards God, and my need to value Him above all. (I get that part).

Yesterday I was feeling sad. I needed my friends to hope for me (see the last picture in this post). They did. Today I feel nervous and tentative. But I was reading John 16. Jesus has been talking to His disciples about how he's going to leave them and come again... they were all concerned about timing and details and Jesus gently reminded them- in ways they could understand, to just believe and trust in him, and hope in him, find joy in him- ask him, he's got it all under control. Don't think so much about today- think about THAT DAY- when we go to Heaven!

"When a woman is giving birth (or waiting for her Little Guy to grow and mature inside while on bed rest), she has sorrow (or tentative, scared, hopeless feelings), because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world. So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you. (I can't wait for heaven)! In that day you will ask nothing of me. Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ask(really?) of the Father in my name, he will give it to you. (SO it's good and right to ask my Father to prolong Little Mr's life). Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."

John 16:21-24; 33b

I think I get it. But maybe I don't. It's worth processing.

Yesterday we went in for our 21 week check up, etc. We got to see Little Mr. in 3D. -It's soooo cool to see more than the bones, but also skin and tissue around them, we're beginning to to be able to imagine how his little face is forming.

^We finally got a profile shot- it'd been several weeks. And in some of the pictures we have he tilted his head way back and opened his mouth up-it looked just like he was having himself a good little laugh. so cute. He also put his hand to his mouth a few times, but we couldn't get a picture fast enough. Maybe next week.

The report on how I'm doing- I was told again yesterday (after seeing my cerclage was still in place and holding things closed via ultrasound, but my cervix has shorted to 2.5-2.7cm and is also funneling) I need to continue on bed rest. The bag of waters membranes is still in tact, but the concern is that the funneling in the cervix may create enough 'vacuum pressure' that it may cause a rupture. We're praying specifically that the bag of waters would be kept in tact for many more weeks, so our Little Guy can grow to full term. My OB mentioned she'd like to give the baby steroids in his lungs as soon as he's "technically" viable, as a 'just in case'. The viable stage is close- the first week of July, but SO far away at the same time. Please be praying with us; pray for our hearts to respond to the Lord in a pleasing and honoring way, AND pray with us for a MIRACLE.

^HOPE: This is the picture I was talking about earlier. Nichole brought us dinner and also brought this little, tiny fall onzie that says "short and sweet" with a candy corn. Little Guy is due in the fall. It made me cry. On a day I was feeling down, Nichole brought love, tears, care, and hope- tangibly. And the Dunn Brothers decaf latte was another blessing my dear Anne brought with her. Anne brought her beautiful William, (the miracle baby we asked God for for years), her smile, her love and gift of time and encouragement.

Thank you girls.

today. week 18, day 3

I'm not even going to try to restate this post, Cory has stated it perfectly. (Please read it if you want a little glimpse into my feelings today and this past week).

Although their situation was much different, (and in many ways much more difficult), than ours less than a year ago, today I'm struggling to fight for hope through anxiety. My thoughts of worry get the better of me; so I purposely think on the things I know are true and right.

Today marks Weeks 18, day 3 for this Little Mr. It's also the first time in the last pregnancy I felt Bennett move inside me; and in the middle of that night late June 2009, my water broke. (starting the journey to Bennett's home-going). So many mixed emotions this week.

But I'm thankful today!

• I've been able to feel and enjoy our Little Mr. move around inside me for about 2 weeks now!
• I have precious friends and family who are praying us through this pregnancy, (and this WEEK!).
• Those people hope for me! (it's hard to hope confidently with joy for me). I'm so grateful that Charlie has been able to be hopeful for me when I can't be. And for others who remind me to keep placing my source of strength and hope in Christ alone; and are sooo excited to meet this little Baby Boy.
• I can say with confidence that God is enough. -To get us through whatever may be around the next corner. That much has been proven. (proven to not be easy or nice or comfortable, but ENOUGH. -That being said, it can also be sweet, precious, encouraging, good and right as well).
• This Little Mr. is healthy so far!
• I've felt SO much better for about a full week now! I haven't been throwing up any more! Just super tired and weak, but that's SO much better than sick.
• I'm thankful for this awesomely warm weather, it makes me be in a good mood.

strength for today & bright hope for tomorrow

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Isaiah 55:8

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.

James 1:2-6

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.

Matthew 11:28-29

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Lamentations 3:22-23

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Psalm 91:11

For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.

Isaiah 26:3

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you,

because he trusts in you.

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,

Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

"Great is Thy faithfulness!" "Great is Thy faithfulness!"

Morning by morning new mercies I see;

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—

"Great is Thy faithfulness," Lord, unto me!

paradoxical ponderings ...my lengthy thoughts lately

“Many Christians think it is good for us to be God-centered, but don’t feel at all comfortable with God being God-centered. We should be Christ-exalting, but Christ shouldn’t be Christ-exalting”. –Piper

As I’ve shared in posts over the last few months, I’ve been struggling. Sometimes with sadness and grief (I guess, selfishly, for myself and what we don’t get to enjoy- not for Ruttigar or Bennett- they’re far better off today). Sometimes with being overwhelmed emotionally and socially. And sometimes with depression, feeling hopeless, and like this empty season will last forever.

(I have no reason I should believe this empty season will last long. -and as a side note, God has provided us with some awesome Dr.’s who have discovered a few things (PCOS/hypothyroidism) that can be balanced out and treated and by doing so may help us become pregnant more quickly and, God-willing, lessen the chances of miscarriage! PTL!).

During those types of struggles in the past weeks/months my faith has been rocked to the core. For better or for worse, it’s true. I’ve always believed that God has allowed “bad” or “evil” or “hard” things to happen, and it IS ultimately for my (our) good- whether here on earth or maybe never good on earth, only in heaven; whether I interpret/feel it as good or not. And through these things I must be stayed on him, focused on him, and go to him for my joy. I still believe that. When I’m fully finding my sustenance and satisfaction in him alone, he is most glorified.

The question that (unfortunately) popped up (and I perhaps dwelt on a little too long) was this: If I believe God is in control (completely providential and sovereign) in ALL things then does that mean that God not only allows that stuff- but CAUSES it to happen? And not just that; (selfishly) while I’m (we’re) hurting down here, He’s doing it all for his ultimate glory? (!)

It’s a tricky question to ponder. And I haven’t fully answered this quandary in my head, but I definitely feel more at peace; because in little ways I understand more than I did. I can say sometimes my feelings didn’t match up with what my heart of hearts was preaching to me- WORSHIP HIM ANYWAYS!-Who/what else can I go to for eternal salvation from the wrath I deserve? (John 6:68) -The answer for me never changed- I praise God for that. I can go to no one/no other thing for eternal life and joy. It’s Jesus who I need now and in the end. Pastor John’s sermon ("You have the Words of Life", see especially The Life-Giving Words of Jesus section) in December reminded me of that. Peter says "You have the word of eternal life!"

But the question still nagged for a few weeks. I’m still examining my own heart. The following talk from Pastor John also helped.

Points from sermon: God- egomaniac? :: Desiring God Christian Resource Library

God’s God-Centeredness as the Test

What I have found in my own life, and in the life of many others, is that God’s God-centeredness is the test of whether our own God-centeredness is real: Do I rejoice in God’s unwavering commitment to uphold and display his glory—do I rejoice in God’s God-centeredness? Or am I God-centered only because deep down I believe God is man-centered, so that my supposed God-centeredness is really man-centeredness, even me-centeredness?

Does my opposition to God’s God-centeredness reveal that my supposed God-centeredness is just a cover for wanting myself at the center, and the use of God to endorse that because he is so centered on me?

God’s Radical Devotion to Himself

God creates for his glory. God elects Israel for his glory. God saves them from Egypt for his glory. God restrains his anger in exile for his glory. God sends his Son at the end of the age for his glory.

So if Jesus wants you to feel most alive, most joyful forever, what would he show you?

Ending: John 17:24

Father, I desire that they also, whom you have given me, may be with me where I am, to see my glory that you have given me because you loved me before the foundation of the world.

When all is said and done, and the history of the world is complete, and the new heavens and the new earth are established, and the infinitely joyful age to come is here, the ultimate joy, the ultimate climax of history for our aching hearts, is “we will see his glory,” and we will be transformed by it into the kind of people who can enjoy it fully and not be incinerated by it.

God Is Passionate for God

Therefore, from beginning to end—from predestination before creation to the final state of contemplation of the glory of Christ at the end of history—God is passionate for his glory.

In the center of that history, the greatest event that ever happened, the death of the Son of God for sinners like us, is the demonstration of God’s righteousness—the demonstration of his unwavering commitment to uphold and display the infinite worth of his glory as the supreme Treasure of the universe.

To further explain this concept to my dense mind, Charlie told me about this more practical sermon by Tim Keller, Your plans, God’s Plans (actions). These were a few points that stood out to me.

God guides paradoxically (we are absolutely free/absolutely in the hands of God), non-obviously (good and evil are part of his plan; never think that God is absent because he feels absent, don’t try to figure out what he’s up to. He works- he works for his glory). Unconditionally, radically trust God in all, commit completely. (The more we pay (through suffering or trial?) for advice the more likely we are to listen to it- God’s fee is the highest of all- abandonment- give or withhold whatever You choose -when, what and how You will. God has paid the ultimate price/sacrifice for guiding us- Jesus death. He doesn’t abandon us to a storm, or in a storm).

So, even through this life controlled, guided by God, where good and evil happens, there is this question again, Lord, to whom shall we go? I must know how to answer.

A father from our church, who lost his son at nine months of age last summer, has summarized many of my thoughts about this in a recent blog post. Here is an excerpt:

“For me, as for Peter, only Jesus is trustworthy. When Jesus asks the disciples if they, too, want to turn away, Peter responds, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.” John 6:68. In my life, the Lord has again and again demonstrated that He is worthy of my trust. Dr. Larry Crab says, “When the lights go out, when our dreams shatter and there’s no way to piece them back together, that’s when our questions are most likely to change. No longer do we ask, “Am I right?” We realize we can’t be right enough to make things happen as we want. Instead we ask, “Whom do I trust?” Larry Crabb, Connecting (Word, 1997), 115.”

In early January I found myself reading and re-reading the book of Job. One thing I noted to myself is my (our) personal trials of 2009 are VERY small in comparison- in comparison to Job and other families we know. The other thing is, after all Job went through, was his imitation –worthy response to God: “You are God; I am not. I will worship you.” When Job had questions -the LORD answered him in Job 38-42 and it was Him alone that could tell Job what he needed to hear. -The bottom line is I must recognize God’s matchless greatness, power and infinite wisdom without question. I want my heart to acknowledge as Job did:

I know that you can do all things,
and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted. ‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’ 
Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand,
 things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.
 ‘Hear, and I will speak; 
I will question you, and you make it known to me.’
 I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, 
but now my eye sees you; therefore I despise myself,
and repent in dust and ashes.”

We have no where else to turn; our only hope is trusting in Jesus.

Play song from Lala.com

You are the Source of light I can't be left behind

No one else will do I will take hold of You

I need You, Jesus

Come to my rescue

Where else could I go?

There’s no other name by which I am saved

Capture me with grace

I will follow You

My heart is Yours for life I need Your hand in mine

No one else will do Lord, I put my trust in You

This world has nothing for me (I will follow You)

Where else could I go? There’s no other name by which I am saved

Won't You Capture me with grace I will follow You

This world has nothing for me