This has been a hard week for me emotionally. I feel blind-sided by the tears and grief. The day after thanksgiving was Bennett's due date, November 27. So, Thanksgiving day and the day after, came and went - we were in AZ. It was a great time together, filled with relaxing and family. The thought of the special day crossed our minds but didn't really evoke any emotions or feelings then.
Wednesday, the day after we got back, I opened the mail to find a large anesthesia bill - just now being sent from the birth June 30! That felt really inconsiderate to me, sending the bill so late and the week of my baby's due date at that! Painful.
The day after Thanksgiving last year we found out we were pregnant with our first baby, Ruttigar. (Who died January 11, 09) That loss, although somewhat easier than the second, crossed my mind.
I'm not sure how to say this (with GREAT fear of it being taken the wrong way) but there's other factors that have made this season hard (but joyful!!!). Several of my most precious, dearest friends and little sister are more than half way through their pregnancies. These babies have been longed for and we've prayed for their lives, for years in some cases. So to say I'm happy about it- THRILLED and elated even - would be an understatement. Really.
But I must admit that now, more than when they were in their first trimesters, it's tougher to see them. (I mean, I love to see their just popping, darling bellies); but it's hard too. I wouldn't call what I feel jealousy, or bitterness, etc. Just sorrow I think. (Girls- you know who you are! I need you in my life and I need to see you and be with you- PLEASE don't stay away because of this; I want to be happy and celebrate with you)!!!
We do want a baby. It's something you could pray about. But for whatever reason God has not given us that privilege yet (well, living outside the womb anyway). (And Charlie would say- If you think about it from a big perspective- it really hasn't been that long). BUT- it feels like eternity to me. Each day I want/ache for a baby more. And to have yet another negative PG test this week just SUCKS!
I'm trying my very best to stay balanced, focused, stable, and hopeful. But it's not been easy for me this week. I want God to be enough. I want to stand on his promises.
At small group last night we sang Christmas songs. Joe printed out the word to the carols I would always sing by heart. For the first time I really read what one of the stanza's was saying. It hit me perfectly, and describes my hearts prayer in this tearful, tough season.
O come, Thou Day-spring, come and cheer Our spirits by Thine advent here;
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night, And death’s dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.
God with me.
Then we ventured through the wilderness (that is Iowa corn fields in the dead of winter) during an ice/blowing snow storm on Christmas afternoon. 
