soon...

To Do This Week

TO DO SOON

This is my list I've been dreaming about and working on for about two weeks. And although I've made some progress, there's a lot that remains undone.

Now perhaps most of you don't find that to be a big deal, or stressful, or out of the ordinary. But if you know me, then you know that if I start something I need to finish it, and not let it linger. I'm a 'list-er', planner, type-A, has to be done perfect or I don't do it sort of person.

There in lies my problem (or perhaps it should be more like, POINTING TO MY TUMMY: "There in lies the problem")!! LOL!

Let's just say that being slowed way down and being in bed for the past 9 or 10 weeks has forced me to be pleased with the little accomplishments in my day. If you follow me on facebook, you may have noticed that I'm rejoicing over getting the floors done once a month, or the puke cleaned from the toilet every few days. Things that would've drove me nuts several months ago.

I went to DesMoines to visit my sister Bridget and brand new nephew Landon for two days. (who is absolutely perfect by the way). Being a new exhausted mom all of five days my little sister was feeling overwhelmed with responsibility and newness. I know I would have (and probably still will) felt/feel just like that when my little person arrives. But I was able to relate to her feelings a little. It's hard to not accomplish the things you normally would because you just physically can't.

But something I now know is, those things will be there, and people who care about you won't notice the dust bunnies hiding on every shelf, the 3-foot pile of clothes on the floor, or the way I haven't cooked in weeks. They love us for who we are and the season we're in. And there are bigger things in play for the day that take priority- like nursing and recovering from all that is new-born and growing a little baby inside... (or for some of you, holding a screaming toddler, etc).

I must keep taking care of my spiritual heart, my physical body (as much as possible), and just get through.

BUT- cleaning and list- you had just better WATCH OUT Mr. 'Cuz as soon as I'm feeling better you'll be outta here so FAST!

(unless you're not)

food

This is the weird food combo I just had to have today.
And I had to had the large real carrots, baby carrots wouldn't do. And artichoke-?! Seriously. I never eat that. Ever. But have wanted it allllll week. Weird.

Also, after pretty much living in my pj's for the past nine weeks and rarely 'getting ready' I bought new comfy clothes today. Thankyou anthropologie and old navy!
-mused on the go from alj's iPhone

personal walls

Upon urging from my big sister to just post something... you get several photos of things that are on my walls, and very few words. (and horrible photo's, 'cuz it's my iPhone). I know I appreciated finding these types of little tips here and there; they're very inexpensive to create). These are a few ways we've decorated, personalized and livened our home:

BOOK HIM! (isn't that what cops say in the police station meaning: FINGERPRINT?)

Charlie and I used a black ink pad and made 10-30 thumb prints each and I inspected them for the best one and cut it out. I took it to Kinko's and enlarged them to nearly the same size each, and then printed them on photo paper. Framed them up and hung them together. I think it'll be fun eventually to add our children's finger prints to the collage. Perhaps with a printed verse like Psalm 139:16.

Speaking of fingerprints and children, last week our Little Baby J "grew" fingerprints of his/her own! (this happens between week 12-13). We also have so pretty cute foot prints from Bennett the nurse took for us.

Frame a Christmas Ornament on Fun Material

For this, I simply duck taped a "J" ornament to a piece of material wrapped around some cardboard and framed it.

Frame Unexpected Things

Like a license plate, or record album covers, etc. We actually used to live in Johnson county so when we moved to MN we framed our plates. For those of you big time movers- this would be a fun conversational collage of different states plates you've lived in.

Cover Plywood or Wood Frame with Material

This was easy and fun. I just stapled some great fabric around the edges, made sure it was smooth and hung them. Got this idea from Crate and Barrel. I enjoy using Marimekko fabrics.

Little Baby Update

Little baby is now 13 weeks 5 days old.

Fingerprints have formed on your baby's tiny fingertips, his veins and organs are clearly visible through his still-thin skin, and her body is starting to catch up with her head — which makes up just a third of his body size now. If we're having a girl, she now has more than 2 million eggs in her ovaries. Little Baby is almost 3 inches long and weighs nearly an ounce.

verbal desert

I want to blog, but I'm not sure what I want to share that anyone would care to read. It's been an interesting week. Hopefully in a few days I will know what to write. I've not forgotten my blog, I'm just in a verbal desert.

birthday, baby showers, & bellies

About 3 weeks ago we got to celebrate my dear friend Anne and their soon coming little one. We prayed diligently for the miracle of this little baby for Anne and Joe, so it was very special to celebrate God's gift to them.

2 weekends ago we went to Waterloo to celebrate Charlie's 30th birthday (His parents took the Cavens and us to the Brown Bottle for dinner, a delicious favorite!)

We celebrated Bridget and little Baby Peanut with a family baby shower at Aunt Lynn's.

This is our first sissy preggo picture! Me-11 weeks (and looking rather ill as usual) and Bird at 36.5? weeks- I think. So fun! We also had a few Easter dinners with family, so good to see everyone.

This is me and Little Baby J a few days ago, at 12 weeks.

Yes, Little Baby J is making me quite sick- still. I must praise God for the first reprieve I've had in 6 weeks- I felt nearly normal all day Friday and Saturday until about 4:30pm! I was able to go for a long, slow walk with my friend Krystal on friday- after which I was sore (!!)- I guess that's what weeks in bed will do to you. Dear me. Feeling normal actually scared me; because my symptoms vanished so suddenly Friday. Charlie tried to get me to just enjoy it, but given our first miscarriage, loosing symptoms was the first sign of loss, it was hard for me...fear crept in.

BUT--- Little baby and I were soon back in the bathroom, and back in bed -both with a vengeance by Saturday night, and got progressively worse since then). Yesterday I got to hear Little Baby's heart beat though! It was in the low to mid 150's!!! It was a very relieving sound. Ahhhh.

Charlie is looking oh so fine for his 12 week update shot! He can always make me smile!

heartache- yes, still

Trust/Faith = Obedience (coming from a changed heart)

Unbelief = Disobedience

Not quite sure what I want to say or how to say it. I'm not even sure it'll be helpful, so feel free to glaze over this one, I'm processing "out loud". Also, that these are my thoughts- not Charlie's.

This pregnancy has been an answer to prayer. Charlie and I feel privileged at the prospect of this little life and being parents.

I guess for me- it's getting to the "be parents" part. (I mean that in the most pro-life sense, btw, so from here on out, please know as I write, yes, we fully believe at life upon conception). The thought of actually getting to be a parent seems sooooo far removed and unattainable, and like it will not happen.

And I should also say right here, that I'm (we're) fully trusting in our Abba, who created this little life (and the two others before it), and is completely able to sustain it, and has numbered this baby's days already in His book. He is carefully knitting baby together in the darkness of my womb. Ps 139:15-16

So, why is it that I feel so dark?! Like I'm the one being worked on in the shadows? (probably because, He has His chisel out and is chipping away at my self-relying, I-know-what's-best heart. And I needed to be tucked away for a few months for Him to get at me). No- I'm also not saying God is punishing or anything like that... but ya know, ya (I) just get so caught up in life's whirlwind, and really caught up when it comes to our lives intersecting with a baby...

I don't want to be quick to forget the wilderness He's taken us through and the things I learned there. The number one thing I want to remember is that I must desire Him alone, above all. Trials in the wilderness don't make our faith- it's where God proves our faith. (See also post "completely-in-all")

I guess this past month of being pretty much incapacitated by nausea and morning sickness, other aspects of these physical symptoms have popped up. It seems like this time around the physical sickness is bringing on true emotional-ness (?sadness?). My counselor tells me it's another stage of grief.

It feels like, in my head, that I've been lied to; not by God really, but by people. It makes me mad (and shouldn't) when people say (and are trying to encourage me) things like 'the sickness is all worth it in the end', or 'it'll go away soon', 'God will bless you with another baby, one that's healthy', 'you'll get to be a mom this time' or 'when you see that baby....'. (well, admittedly I agree- even when I saw Bennett I nearly forgot the pain, and time has taken the memory of the labor, and that round of morning sickness away, enough to desire it again). But I guess it makes me mad that 'they' say those things, and they don't really know -if they're true. They don't know what God has planned. Or if we'll ever have a baby, or child. They don't know if things will get better- really. Only God knows. And we're not promised those things here on earth. Only thing for sure is that all this will be worth it in heaven.

side note: Man I sound despondent. Truthfully, I do believe (and Charlie preaches to me) that we will indeed be parents one day, naturally or via adoption. Ps. 84:11

I guess the question then becomes how does one encourage and talk to hurting friend with faith? Believing with them/for them, when they can't fight alone?

I don't have the answer. (except quietness and prayer and physical presence).

Another aspect that's tough for me is my physical body. It remembers the last two pregnancies. I feel like I grew 3x's as fast so far, and have been more than double or triple the sickness/bloatedness. And because I feel this time, and felt the other two times, sick- it brings up my emotions. It's almost like my body is preparing it's self for loss. Like, 'ok, we're pushing through the sickness and throw-up part, and then comes the grieving, loss and sadness, and a different kind of physical and emotional pain part'. It's all I know of being pregnant so far.

I don't want to be preparing (especially with NO REASON) mentally for grief. Yes, I guess in some ways I am still grieving Bennett and little Ruttigar. And that's OK, and healthy, they're my children, I miss not having them. I just don't want to add to it, and take on tomorrow's worries today. I want to live in faith.

Next-Being confident that I will one day get to hold this little baby in my arms is like a dream; seemingly one I don't think will really come true. Why?! Am I lacking faith? I don't really feel fear about it. For if God does choose to take this little one, then that's what he had planned from the beginning of time; it will crush me, but my heart will yet praise Him. (Job 38-42) Why can't I live in confidence about this baby?

God help me to discipline my mind to consider diligently Your truth alone.

I've been doing a precept study on Wednesday mornings at church on Hebrews. It's been great. As I wrote this I was reminded of part of the lesson from Heb. 2:17-3:14 and 4:14-16 How to LIVE OUT YOUR FAITH in the body- idea's we shared in our class:

• Stay in the Word
• Focus on Christ
• Stay in fellowship with other believers
• Look for accountability
• Look at and remember what God has done in the past - consciously
• Admit the sin of fleshly comfort
• CONSIDER Jesus. With purpose, to consider attentively, fix one's eyes or mind upon.

I think that these are a peice of the puzzle I'm trying to put together....

Blobbert update

Well I'm 10 weeks 5 days today and our little baby is between the size of a prune and lime. I can certainly tell baby is growing like crazy- the hormones are just RAGING this time around. (more than the last two pregnancies). This is a 4D ultrasound we had done at 9 weeks 1 day, so baby has changed alot from this already, but I thought it was too cute not to post.

Baby is holding it's hands/arms right up by the face, which is looking down in this picture. When we peeked at little Blobbert he was moving, kicking and jumping all over. It was like he was waving to us. SOOOOO cute. I melted. (along with my awesome ultrasound tech, Bobbie, love that girl).

The baby is healthy so far. Praise God! But as for me, this is the worst pregnancy yet. Since March 5 I've been sick every day- all day -there is no morning to my morning sickness. And I've had the works. so most of the time I'm in bed and taking it easy- cuz I can't do much else. Cooking is a BIG no way. to which I must add I have the most gracious and understanding hubby. He's perfectly content and never complains about cereal or PB&J or rummaging through what might be in the fridge. He's so understanding and loving and caring to me through all of this. I don't love TV, cuz I never no when a food commercial will come on, and reading or close work with my hands irritates the nausea.

But I do remember with Bennett I started feeling magically better mid-week 13. So I'm praying that happens with this one too. -Otherwise I don't know what I'll do. I have 2 Rx's, and the one that's safest doesn't always work for me anymore (zophran), and the 2nd has some risk associated with it, so I've only taken that once... but it may be getting used more frequently if I don't feel better soon.

Sorry to have so much complaining in this post. I'm still very thankful for the little life God has given Charlie and I, this is just a rough season.

This is a little smaller than our baby now, a picture of a 10 week-er.