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| I grabbed my phone and snapped fast, but this is today! |
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| Good work Asher! |
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
he stands
The Little Whipper Snapper added standing on his own to his quickly expanding repertoire. Like crawled over and wriggled right up. He was SO proud of himself. (wrinkled his nose, smiling, and snuffing in and out really fast).
Last Monday (7-12), I walked into his room after naps and he was standing in his crib... but he didn't do it again after that. So I don't know if it counts for real. Since then we've done lots of practice walking and helping him get into a standing position.
Today he's decided to stand several times alone, the railings are his favorite place to do it.
what on earth
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| my elbow |
Weird part... I have absolutely NO idea what I banged it on. But the battle mark was impressive.
How is that possible?!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
9 month Asher
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Happy NINE whole months Asher Clark |
Nine Month Well-check Stat's:
You still weigh 24 lbs 9 oz (90-97%) Your weight has evened out for a few months now.You're 30.25" (97%)
Your head measures 18.5" (90%)
Dr. M says you're a robust, healthy, nine month old, developing perfectly!
Size 4 diaper still, and we've found the night time pampers work great for keeping you dry.
You are in 12-18 month size clothes (a lot of that reason is for the torso length), but your tummy is more comfy in 12-18 too.
You still take 2 solid naps a day and go to bed about 7pm, getting up about 7am.
You nurse around 6-7 times a day.
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This month Asher was far too busy to sit or lay still for pictures. These are the best we could do with his busy boy self...and per usual White Bear sat perfectly for us in every shot. Go figure. |
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Mommy caved for a bit and plugged you in to your video, to take a break from the picture taking. |
Sometimes you grab toys and roll around the room with them; you are now capable of making a mess when you play. I have to pick up the toys and books you've strewn about.
People are always commenting about your big beautiful eyes.
6.11 -You got your first boo-boo on a pokey, sharp edge of the chair, and scraped your forehead. It was gone in a few days.
Baby Boy, you LOVE to be naked!
6.15 -Today we practiced standing a lot. You enjoy holding onto the railing all by yourself and talking and looking around, still a little wobbly though.
When you're sitting in your bumbo on the table you try to grab at the plant leaves and anything else near you.
You are kind of over your jumperoo. But you'll still play in your exersaucer.
You drink really well out of a straw cup. It seems to be your preferred way to drink.
6.19 -After you're in the hands/knees position, you pike your little tush up in the air (like a downward dog yoga pose) and hold there as long as you can then LURCH forward. Often landing on your face- ouch. But you know you can move yourself forward by doing this. (the inchworm on steroids)!
6.20 - You scootched over to your little toy box and pulled what you could out of it and played. You still play by yourself for 10-50 minutes at a time; happily.
6.21 -Mommy sat you beside your toy/book box today and you pulled books out and looked at them. You had the spread out all around you. You were screeching with delight. Pausing every now and then to loudly and decisively "read" by saying "Dadadaadaaa dada da!" "Ppppthhhth". You seemed to know what you were talking about. It was super cute buddy.
6.21 -You are starting to move each leg individually, but not crawling. When you're all tush-piked up you move one foot a little ways forward. You have learned to not lurch forward onto your face and instead, body surf forward. You seem very proud of yourself and push your shoulders, neck and head as far back as you can, over and over while smiling. (looks like sun salute yoga pose, fast, over and over).
6.22 -You ate your first cheerio! You liked it. And you can now hold your straw sippy cup on your own. you love straws!
Month 8, week 3
All month your two teeth on either side of your top two front teeth keep moving down, get close to popping through and then go back up. It like teething but without end or reward. Not fun, poor little guy.
This was a rough week. We got out exterior house panted, and it was pretty loud. So your naps were a short and that messed you up. But you did practice sleeping in different places (the basement, the closet, the car, etc). We made it! It was also a REALLY hot week. You liked to sit in your bumbo and watch the guys work out the window, you seemed very interested in what they were doing.
6.27 -You are in LOVE with your white bear we use for your monthly pictures. When you play with him and munch on him you squeal and laugh with delight. Maybe because he's soft and as big as you.
6.29 -We enjoyed going swimming with friends at the Maple Grove pool. You are still too fascinated by the kids and splashing around you to do much on your own. BUT you do sleep SUPER well/long on swimming days!
You love to feed yourself by grabbing with your fist and stuffing what doesn't fall into your open mouth (mostly cheerio's).
When you're in your car seat and stroller you like to sit up as straight as you can and hold on to the sides; it sorta looks like you're trying to drive.
Month 8, week 4 -sheuwww, what a big week!
Still no front, top, side teeth. They got really close this week though.
7.1 -You sat up on your own. You speedily crawled to Daddy's guitar and when you got there you pushed yourself right into a sitting position. And now you crawl and sit and play all the time.
7.1 -Grammy and Papa came to visit for the weekend. Aunty Bridge, Uncle Zach and Landon were in town too; so we all got together for a 4th of July weekend picnic by the lake. It was a gorgeous day, and we all had fun together.
7.3 -So close to crawling, a little wobbly, but doing it.
7.3 -Our little family went to the Wayzata beach on Lake Minnetonka. You played happily under the big sports umbrella and daddy took you in the water a few times. The waves seemed to make you a little uncomfortable. but you liked the sand. Later we all met our small group for a picnic supper.
7.4 -You celebrated the Fourth of July by CRAWLING! -For real- coordinated, knee-hand-knee-hand. Now no object is safe from your reach.
The above mentioned accomplishment changed mommies WHOLE week. Wait, probably my whole life. You are incredibly fast and move from room to room following us around. We can't leave you unattended for very long, and have to block the stairs too. Busy busy busy tiny Schmuv's.
7.4 -Mommy painted white stripes on your bedroom wall. I still have not got your nursery finished- I need to hang pictures. You'd think I'd have this done nine months in!? nope.
7.5 -You decided that you also wanted to practice walking while holding hands. This was easy for you to learn. And you whip one foot right in front of the other, you can move slow or fast and it is your preferred mode of getting around- but not great on mommies back. You want to practice all the time.
7.6 -To add to your new talents list, you thought it'd be fun to stand on your own today. yeah. this is too many new things all at once honey. Just stop. I want to bottle all your littleness up and enjoy it. The days go by so fast, and each one holds so many wonderful, sweet, treasured, kissable memories! Man, we love you Little Mr. Asher!
At some point this week you started snuffing air in and out of your nose really fast. You especially do it when you're really pleased about something. Even while you're nursing! Also when you're proud of yourself for doing something (like climbing, or walking or sitting up).
You feed yourself cantaloupe chunks. And you love it when I give you a slice of apple in your food net to chomp on.
For breakfast you enjoy rice crispy's, applesauce with oats mixed in, sometimes some yogurt too.
7.7 -Yet another thing. Stair climbing. Ok- not really really, but you did make it up one stair today. You are interested in trying to pull yourself up onto different things, and try to stand.
You helped mommy with laundry- and everything else today. So busy.
7.7 -We were out shopping and apparently you decided you were more than done and ready to go home. Had you strapped in your stroller while we were there and got you out to hold you for a second for a break. Sat you back down in the stroller and you promptly arched your back and slid out, flinging forward and really bonking your little head into a clothes rack. You were very very sad. And it left you with quite the bruise. We've been trying to teach you not to arch your back little buddy, in hopes of preventing things like this. But you recovered and as soon as the bruise goes away, you'll be no worse for the wear.
7.8 -We hung out in the back yard for a while this afternoon. You really enjoy being outside.
About you Asher Clark:
Asher we delight in getting to know you better. We have observed various personality traits. This is the short list: You like to play alone, and do not need to be entertained or held. You do get over stimulated with too many people or activity, and this makes you cranky. You get cranky and fussy in the humidity if you're in it too long. You are calmed by listening to music, especially 'Enya'-sounding or classical or jazz music. You are an observer. It takes you a while to join in an activity, you watch and listen an look at people's faces before your play along. Your smiles come easy- to friends and strangers. (Sometimes you are timid around them too and either stare at them closely and silently, or once in a while turn your face into our body, not often). You like it when people talk to you and your eyes and eye brows do a lot of the interacting for you. You start laughing when people around you laugh. You 'talk' back and forth to us, when we mimic your noises. You have a little temper when something doesn't quite go your way or as you expected it to. This usually comes out with a loud long grunt, and lately more of a high pitched whiney voice, and sometimes you combine it with throwing your head back and arching your back. (but you don't arch your back quite as much anymore). You love babies- you like to see yourself in the mirror and talk to that baby, and when little friends come to play you want to touch and kiss them and you are fascinated to just sit and watch them play and see what they do. You do NOT like to have your diaper changed or put your arms in sleeves, -well you don't like to sit still for it anyway; we've found that giving your new interesting object helps divert your attention. We have not noticed that you have a strong preference for mommy or daddy (one over the other). You don't seem to have a lovely or security object yet; you are starting to want to touch a crocheted blanket mommy made you when you're in bed though.
Asher, we love you ever so much son. We are praying that you will love Jesus at a very young age! And that you will learn to show His love to the people around you well.
 |
| You love white bear! |
All month your two teeth on either side of your top two front teeth keep moving down, get close to popping through and then go back up. It like teething but without end or reward. Not fun, poor little guy.
This was a rough week. We got out exterior house panted, and it was pretty loud. So your naps were a short and that messed you up. But you did practice sleeping in different places (the basement, the closet, the car, etc). We made it! It was also a REALLY hot week. You liked to sit in your bumbo and watch the guys work out the window, you seemed very interested in what they were doing.
6.27 -You are in LOVE with your white bear we use for your monthly pictures. When you play with him and munch on him you squeal and laugh with delight. Maybe because he's soft and as big as you.
6.29 -We enjoyed going swimming with friends at the Maple Grove pool. You are still too fascinated by the kids and splashing around you to do much on your own. BUT you do sleep SUPER well/long on swimming days!
You love to feed yourself by grabbing with your fist and stuffing what doesn't fall into your open mouth (mostly cheerio's).
When you're in your car seat and stroller you like to sit up as straight as you can and hold on to the sides; it sorta looks like you're trying to drive.
 |
| HE STANDS!!! |
Still no front, top, side teeth. They got really close this week though.
7.1 -You sat up on your own. You speedily crawled to Daddy's guitar and when you got there you pushed yourself right into a sitting position. And now you crawl and sit and play all the time.
7.1 -Grammy and Papa came to visit for the weekend. Aunty Bridge, Uncle Zach and Landon were in town too; so we all got together for a 4th of July weekend picnic by the lake. It was a gorgeous day, and we all had fun together.
7.3 -So close to crawling, a little wobbly, but doing it.
7.3 -Our little family went to the Wayzata beach on Lake Minnetonka. You played happily under the big sports umbrella and daddy took you in the water a few times. The waves seemed to make you a little uncomfortable. but you liked the sand. Later we all met our small group for a picnic supper.
7.4 -You celebrated the Fourth of July by CRAWLING! -For real- coordinated, knee-hand-knee-hand. Now no object is safe from your reach.
The above mentioned accomplishment changed mommies WHOLE week. Wait, probably my whole life. You are incredibly fast and move from room to room following us around. We can't leave you unattended for very long, and have to block the stairs too. Busy busy busy tiny Schmuv's.
7.4 -Mommy painted white stripes on your bedroom wall. I still have not got your nursery finished- I need to hang pictures. You'd think I'd have this done nine months in!? nope.
7.5 -You decided that you also wanted to practice walking while holding hands. This was easy for you to learn. And you whip one foot right in front of the other, you can move slow or fast and it is your preferred mode of getting around- but not great on mommies back. You want to practice all the time.
7.6 -To add to your new talents list, you thought it'd be fun to stand on your own today. yeah. this is too many new things all at once honey. Just stop. I want to bottle all your littleness up and enjoy it. The days go by so fast, and each one holds so many wonderful, sweet, treasured, kissable memories! Man, we love you Little Mr. Asher!
At some point this week you started snuffing air in and out of your nose really fast. You especially do it when you're really pleased about something. Even while you're nursing! Also when you're proud of yourself for doing something (like climbing, or walking or sitting up).
You feed yourself cantaloupe chunks. And you love it when I give you a slice of apple in your food net to chomp on.
For breakfast you enjoy rice crispy's, applesauce with oats mixed in, sometimes some yogurt too.
7.7 -Yet another thing. Stair climbing. Ok- not really really, but you did make it up one stair today. You are interested in trying to pull yourself up onto different things, and try to stand.
You helped mommy with laundry- and everything else today. So busy.
7.7 -We were out shopping and apparently you decided you were more than done and ready to go home. Had you strapped in your stroller while we were there and got you out to hold you for a second for a break. Sat you back down in the stroller and you promptly arched your back and slid out, flinging forward and really bonking your little head into a clothes rack. You were very very sad. And it left you with quite the bruise. We've been trying to teach you not to arch your back little buddy, in hopes of preventing things like this. But you recovered and as soon as the bruise goes away, you'll be no worse for the wear.
7.8 -We hung out in the back yard for a while this afternoon. You really enjoy being outside.
Asher we delight in getting to know you better. We have observed various personality traits. This is the short list: You like to play alone, and do not need to be entertained or held. You do get over stimulated with too many people or activity, and this makes you cranky. You get cranky and fussy in the humidity if you're in it too long. You are calmed by listening to music, especially 'Enya'-sounding or classical or jazz music. You are an observer. It takes you a while to join in an activity, you watch and listen an look at people's faces before your play along. Your smiles come easy- to friends and strangers. (Sometimes you are timid around them too and either stare at them closely and silently, or once in a while turn your face into our body, not often). You like it when people talk to you and your eyes and eye brows do a lot of the interacting for you. You start laughing when people around you laugh. You 'talk' back and forth to us, when we mimic your noises. You have a little temper when something doesn't quite go your way or as you expected it to. This usually comes out with a loud long grunt, and lately more of a high pitched whiney voice, and sometimes you combine it with throwing your head back and arching your back. (but you don't arch your back quite as much anymore). You love babies- you like to see yourself in the mirror and talk to that baby, and when little friends come to play you want to touch and kiss them and you are fascinated to just sit and watch them play and see what they do. You do NOT like to have your diaper changed or put your arms in sleeves, -well you don't like to sit still for it anyway; we've found that giving your new interesting object helps divert your attention. We have not noticed that you have a strong preference for mommy or daddy (one over the other). You don't seem to have a lovely or security object yet; you are starting to want to touch a crocheted blanket mommy made you when you're in bed though.
 |
Every hour of the day and night is
an unspeakably perfect miracle. -whitman
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
processing miscarriage and grief posts
Grief is a strange and multi-facetted emotion. It looks different in everyone's personal situation. Each person responds to it out of the overflow of his/her heart. It reveals the things you truly treasure, and value. Grief can be observed and expressed. Although the sad, despairing emotions subside, they don't ever go completely away.
These posts are simply my journey through my own loss. (2 miscarriages, and subsequent pregnancy). I blog intermittently, because I find it helpful for me to process my thoughts in some sort of written way. If you think you may be helped, or your faith strengthened as you work through your own story, please feel free to read them. God has been faithful to me and is healing and molding my heart; He promises to do the same for you. Trust Him with your inner-most feelings. He will uphold you, as He has Charlie and I.
sanctity of life focus-always a special day, MONDAY, JANUARY 26, 2009 Has a link to a precious video our church played 2 weeks after Baby Ruttigar went to be with Jesus.
sanctity of life focus-always a special day, MONDAY, JANUARY 26, 2009 Has a link to a precious video our church played 2 weeks after Baby Ruttigar went to be with Jesus.
DAY BY DAY,THURSDAY, JULY 2, 2009 The words to this hymn were/are so encouraging to my hurting heart.
three days on the edge of the spear of god, FRIDAY, JULY 3, 2009
This is the story of Bennett Torger Johnson, born at 18 weeks 3 days. God has used Bennett in our lives to draw us closer to Himself. We are so privileged to have him in our family, and look forward to meeting him in heaven. Written by Charlie.
BEING HELD CLOSE, FEELING SECURE, FRIDAY, JULY 31, 2009
Lam. 3:22-23, an update on trying to live life again, and a thank you to our friends and family who fought for our faith along side us.
SUMMER BIBLE STUDY, SUNDAY, AUGUST 9, 2009
God timed each of these messages perfectly for my summer. Especially note the 2nd ("From Him, Through Him, to Him") and 4th ("A Woman After God's Own Heart") bullet points.
HELP A GIRL OUT, SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 2009
Things I've experienced, learned, and read about helping a grieving friend. (or even a hurting friend). Practical tips and links and encouragement.
COMPLETELY IN ALL, TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 2009
Preaching to my heart. An excerpt from post: "Elisabeth Elliot, was incredibly eye opening to me. Especially with regard to Bennett's death. It keeps popping back into my head. "Do I treasure ____(insert your personal vice here-mine is: having a baby) more than I want trust/obey/love/desire to follow my God?" Read on for Biblical encouragement.
My Help and my deliverer, MONDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2009
Psalm 40, God does hear my cry.
WOw-prayer, FRIDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2009
So often it's easy for me to get stuck in my own little pitty-party about the way God has chosen to write my life story. This is a reminder for my heart to hallow Him above all.
God with me, MONDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2009
Walking through the stages of grief, for me was a delayed reaction. It was december that God truly allowed me to deal with my raw emotions. Talks about holidays, friends being pregnant, old dreams, and a Christmas carol I hadn't comprehended before now.
Little babies of 2009, MONDAY, JANUARY 11, 2010
Remembering Ruttigar and Bennett, praying for the blessing of another baby.
paradoxical PONDERINGs- my LENGTHY thoughts lately, THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 2010
Please be sure to read the whole post, not just parts, or you'll get the wrong impression. This was a season of grief I truly questioned God, His self-centeredness, His goodness, and love. The Word helped me work through my anger and unbelief. Trust Jesus, He is putting my shattered pieces back together.
heartache- yes still, THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2010
9 months after Bennett's birth I was still working through sorrow and sadness. Grief arises during the next pregnancy about fears and dashed dreams from the last. Has my heart changed? "Trust/Faith = Obedience (coming from a changed heart) Unbelief = Disobedience"
strength for today bright hope for tomorrow, THURSDAY, MAY 6, 2010
strength for today bright hope for tomorrow, THURSDAY, MAY 6, 2010
Gospel truths for my heart, that forgets that God's ways are higher than my own plans.
Mother's Day is a day to honor and thank God for our mom's. But can also be a time that brings sorrow. My thoughts on that year.
WADING-INSECURITIES-SWIRLING-GRACE FOUND, THURSDAY, JUNE 30, 2011
"today; this moment is the only place I can love Him; find joy in the now." -my thoughts on finding the joy in now, being thankful for my story, and feasting on God's "manna".- Molly Piper also has a GREAT series she's blogged as a result of the stillbirth of her baby girl. I highly recommend reading "How to Help Your Grieving Friend".
- The Wessman Family also have several helpful posts on their blog. This is a great post on trusting God through tragedy. Written over a year after their 8 month old little boy Michah went to be with Jesus.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
a fresh modern look
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| home -the before time |
We love our home. We like the structure and lines in the roof, the tower, etc. It's not so cookie cutter.
But what we were not fans of at all was the paint- that had faded into this lovely peachy/tan/pink color, and it looked worse in the winter against the white.
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| Before. Also note the tired door. |
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| During. The painters were amazing! Happy, friendly, careful, clean, sing-y, laugh-y, and precise. |
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| After. (All the colors in person are better) |
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| ...and our happy little after |
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| home sweet home |
Thursday, June 30, 2011
wading-insecurities-swirling-grace found
Bear with me as I wade and swirl through these feelings and insecurities.
I didn't know that grieving would look so multi-fasited, and would pop up out of no where when it pleased.
I don't even know where to begin this. I've literally had this blog post started since January (that's what- 6 months now?!) and it's been sitting in draft. Life as a new mom has apparently eaten up my free time. ???
I can't concentrate. I need to concentrate, to figure out what it is I'm dealing with inside. I need to know, so I know how to petition my Abba, who cares and hears.
Strange there's (no?) time -since there's only a sweet, little, one of him. But I guess that's good. I've been soaking up each moment, each stage, each needed cuddle. kissing the impossibly, irresistible, chunky cheeks. He is such a joy. Such a handful of spirit/opinion and life. Such a blessing. Such a reminder of God's faithfulness to us, his goodness (in all things), his timing, his love. (Ps. 94:19)
I wade. thoughts swirling.
But in the end I want to know that my feet are planted/rooted/fixed and standing squarely and firmly on The Rock. The Giver of Grace. The Up-holder of my head. The Fountain that pours out mercy for each moment. I know. (Ps. 94:22) (Ps. 71)
And yet.
His ways send me into a tantrum. a child flailing (because obviously I know best, what feels best) (not what IS best!). a valley. to heartache. into the dark mist of the unknown. numb my emotions. make me detach from too many people that care about me. a feeling of not caring; an even reaction to good and bad. Dates remembered. His way that makes me not want to leave the safety of my own house. an avoidance of people I love and conversation I once adored. a heavy guilt that I should even feel these things at all- when others have children they have known, loved, and held die after just a few months of living out of the womb. (Ps 38:9-10)
How can this be?
Is it even right or ok to feel this way?
The counselor in me says yes. I don't want to shove raw emotion (or lack thereof) under the proverbial rug. Get them out and deal with them. But the guilt I feel for my feelings! I feel so silly. I feel like God has spared us when others have had so much worse.
hummm. I compare.
this is my road. The one He ordained for me before my life began. The one that is filled with grace and promises to bring Him ultimate glory. These are my thoughts, my emotions. the ones He created.
He knows.
I only need to be careful how I dwell with them. They in and of themselves are not wrong to feel. They are necessary. They are part of my Authors' chapter. It is comforting to know He created emotions. (Ps. 38:15) there's a reason I'm not writing my story and God is.
And as strange as it feels to write this, I am not necessarily grieving the loss of our two babies (at least all the time). Time passes, and you never forget. Time passes and healing does come. But I still deal with the roller coaster hurt, pain, confusion, shock, awfulness of the combined events of the last few years. Does that make sense? It really doesn't to me. hummm.
I am encouraged by David, in the Bible. He sat RAW and open and honest before God. Basically saying over and over that if God wanted him to feel differently, He would have to be The One to do it, He would have to rescue and restore and renew His soul. He is the only one who can. (Ps. 106:44-45) God is in the moments anyways.
I continue walking forward. I want to live fully alive. I want to live full of grace. I want to see, with thanksgiving, the way He's writing my life story- the good, the bad and the hurt, the wonderful, the cuddly and the sweet as grace. ALL, grace-uncontainable. I must keep a mindset of thanksgiving in ALL things-hands full or empty. That is the way to a life of joy. Thanking God for ALL His graces. Seeing more of Him, the Holder of all that is good for me and the world. (I've been reading lots about this Greek word: Eucharisto in this great book). This is a hard way of living, yet the way to joy. It takes intentionality. I want to name my gifts, so as to give them recognition.
I will live here today; this moment is the only place I can love Him; find joy in the now.
"Joy and pain, they are but two arteries of the one heart that pumps through all those who don't numb themselves to really living". -A. Voskamp
The Bible is God writing His heart.
I will sustain myself on His manna (meaning "what is it"?). The Israelites daily sustained themselves on God's manna (mystery). Duet. 32:39 Job 1:21 All is grace only because He can transfigure all.
I didn't know that grieving would look so multi-fasited, and would pop up out of no where when it pleased.
 |
| 2 years ago today our baby boy, Bennett Torger, went from living in my womb, to being born; then straight into the arms of Jesus. All is grace. |
I can't concentrate. I need to concentrate, to figure out what it is I'm dealing with inside. I need to know, so I know how to petition my Abba, who cares and hears.
Strange there's (no?) time -since there's only a sweet, little, one of him. But I guess that's good. I've been soaking up each moment, each stage, each needed cuddle. kissing the impossibly, irresistible, chunky cheeks. He is such a joy. Such a handful of spirit/opinion and life. Such a blessing. Such a reminder of God's faithfulness to us, his goodness (in all things), his timing, his love. (Ps. 94:19)
I wade. thoughts swirling.
But in the end I want to know that my feet are planted/rooted/fixed and standing squarely and firmly on The Rock. The Giver of Grace. The Up-holder of my head. The Fountain that pours out mercy for each moment. I know. (Ps. 94:22) (Ps. 71)
And yet.
His ways send me into a tantrum. a child flailing (because obviously I know best, what feels best) (not what IS best!). a valley. to heartache. into the dark mist of the unknown. numb my emotions. make me detach from too many people that care about me. a feeling of not caring; an even reaction to good and bad. Dates remembered. His way that makes me not want to leave the safety of my own house. an avoidance of people I love and conversation I once adored. a heavy guilt that I should even feel these things at all- when others have children they have known, loved, and held die after just a few months of living out of the womb. (Ps 38:9-10)
How can this be?
Is it even right or ok to feel this way?
The counselor in me says yes. I don't want to shove raw emotion (or lack thereof) under the proverbial rug. Get them out and deal with them. But the guilt I feel for my feelings! I feel so silly. I feel like God has spared us when others have had so much worse.
hummm. I compare.
this is my road. The one He ordained for me before my life began. The one that is filled with grace and promises to bring Him ultimate glory. These are my thoughts, my emotions. the ones He created.
He knows.
I only need to be careful how I dwell with them. They in and of themselves are not wrong to feel. They are necessary. They are part of my Authors' chapter. It is comforting to know He created emotions. (Ps. 38:15) there's a reason I'm not writing my story and God is.
And as strange as it feels to write this, I am not necessarily grieving the loss of our two babies (at least all the time). Time passes, and you never forget. Time passes and healing does come. But I still deal with the roller coaster hurt, pain, confusion, shock, awfulness of the combined events of the last few years. Does that make sense? It really doesn't to me. hummm.
I am encouraged by David, in the Bible. He sat RAW and open and honest before God. Basically saying over and over that if God wanted him to feel differently, He would have to be The One to do it, He would have to rescue and restore and renew His soul. He is the only one who can. (Ps. 106:44-45) God is in the moments anyways.
I continue walking forward. I want to live fully alive. I want to live full of grace. I want to see, with thanksgiving, the way He's writing my life story- the good, the bad and the hurt, the wonderful, the cuddly and the sweet as grace. ALL, grace-uncontainable. I must keep a mindset of thanksgiving in ALL things-hands full or empty. That is the way to a life of joy. Thanking God for ALL His graces. Seeing more of Him, the Holder of all that is good for me and the world. (I've been reading lots about this Greek word: Eucharisto in this great book). This is a hard way of living, yet the way to joy. It takes intentionality. I want to name my gifts, so as to give them recognition.
I will live here today; this moment is the only place I can love Him; find joy in the now.
"Joy and pain, they are but two arteries of the one heart that pumps through all those who don't numb themselves to really living". -A. Voskamp
The Bible is God writing His heart.
I will sustain myself on His manna (meaning "what is it"?). The Israelites daily sustained themselves on God's manna (mystery). Duet. 32:39 Job 1:21 All is grace only because He can transfigure all.
Friday, June 10, 2011
8 month Asher
Happy 8 month birthday Baby Boy!
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| Eight Months old Asher Clark Johnson |
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| You weight 24lbs according to our home scale still, and you're in 12 month clothes now. |
What a busy month of first's you've had...
Month 7, Week 1 |
| 5.14 You sit up all by yourself now! |
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| You like to take walks to the park, and this is you hang'n by the railings. |
5.17 -Reaching for toys around him while sitting.
Asher, you play happily in the living room, rolling around the huge space grabbing and playing with different toys.
You enjoy hanging out by the railing posts in the living room; you roll over there and put your feet and hands through and talk. (and often bonk your head on them).
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| Your favorite teethers, blue ring and sophie and you love being outside! |
You like to sit and play by the sliding door and look outside when mommy is working at the computer.
Sitting up on your own has provided you with a whole new perspective on life- and opened the doors to playing with toys in a whole new way. I love that you can sit up so well now!
You LOVE the grass. Sitting in it, laying in it, looking at it, trying to eat it...
Man are you ever working on those teeth! -your favorite toys are the Blue ring and Sophie the giraffe.
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| You pose for the camera now |
5.24 -You chomped/ate celery by yourself for the first time. You liked that it was hard and cold on your teeth.
5.25 -You started social laughing. I was sitting that the computer reading something funny and I laughed. You were in the living room playing and looked at me and started laughing a "fake" laugh. I looked at you and you smile a HUGE smile.
5.28 -You say mBaaah, Ba, baaa often
You are SUPER fast at rolling, and can get most anywhere you want by doing so.
LOUD, that would describe how you use your voice.
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| 5.30 -You, Mommy and Daddy went to our favorite park on Memorial Day. You sat on a blanket with a couple toys and watched us play bocce ball. |
6.1 -Asher woke saying "Dadadadada" followed by intermittent squeals of delight.
6.2 -Both of the top two front teeth popped through at the same time today!
6.3 -OH NO. He enjoys these new things in his mouth and grinds the top and bottom teeth together! GRIND. EEK! (Mommy hates that sound).
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| Fun week with family in DesMoines and Waterloo |
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| First time swimming! |
6.8 -You popped up on all fours today! Your little tush high in the air first, and then you showed your strong arm muscles pushing right up. (looked like you were doing the downward dog pose, arms and legs straight).
6.9 -Now you roll all over and and pop up onto your hands and knees!- and promptly rock back and forth on them.
6.9 - You make the sound "mmmmmmnnnnAH" And you do it most often when you're a little concerned, concentrating or frustrated. Your jabbers are getting to be filled with different sounds. We like it.
FOOD:
You like blended turkey/chicken mixed with veggies (with little chunks in it) and ya love green beans, carrots and sweet potato. Mommy made you baby food this month, spices and all.
You like most of the foods to have oat cereal mixed in -mostly to thicken them; you're WAY over puree's. Fruits seem to be something you tolerate, but not love. Veggie's and meat you open your mouth wide and lean into it, but fruits you casually open and close. Although you do seem to like prunes, and will eat all the other fruits we've tried. You also chew/gum on rice cakes and sweet potato stars. You drink from your sippy cup much better now; you don't like the spill proof lids though. So I guess that now means you were just not a bottle baby- since you did not take any kind of bottle- ever. You sit at the table when you eat. You really chomp your rice cakes down FAST! And you like to naw on foods through your netting ring/food chewer thingy.
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| Asher, you add so much so and silliness to our lives! |
Dada and Momma Love you bunches and bunches. We thank God He gave us you!
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