wading-insecurities-swirling-grace found

Bear with me as I wade and swirl through these feelings and insecurities.
I didn't know that grieving would look so multi-fasited, and would pop up out of no where when it pleased.

2 years ago today our baby boy, Bennett Torger,
went from living in my womb, to being born; then straight
into the arms of Jesus. All is grace. 

I don't even know where to begin this. I've literally had this blog post started since January (that's what- 6 months now?!) and it's been sitting in draft. Life as a new mom has apparently eaten up my free time. ???
I can't concentrate. I need to concentrate, to figure out what it is I'm dealing with inside. I need to know, so I know how to petition my Abba, who cares and hears.

Strange there's (no?) time -since there's only a sweet, little, one of him. But I guess that's good. I've been soaking up each moment, each stage, each needed cuddle. kissing the impossibly, irresistible, chunky cheeks. He is such a joy. Such a handful of spirit/opinion and life. Such a blessing. Such a reminder of God's faithfulness to us, his goodness (in all things), his timing, his love. (Ps. 94:19)

I wade. thoughts swirling.
But in the end I want to know that my feet are planted/rooted/fixed and standing squarely and firmly on The Rock. The Giver of Grace. The Up-holder of my head. The Fountain that pours out mercy for each moment.  I know. (Ps. 94:22) (Ps. 71)


And yet.

His ways send me into a tantrum. a child flailing (because obviously I know best, what feels best) (not what IS best!). a valley. to heartache. into the dark mist of the unknown. numb my emotions. make me detach from too many people that care about me. a feeling of not caring; an even reaction to good and bad. Dates remembered. His way that makes me not want to leave the safety of my own house. an avoidance of people I love and conversation I once adored. a heavy guilt that I should even feel these things at all- when others have children they have known, loved, and held die after just a few months of living out of the womb.  (Ps 38:9-10)

How can this be?
Is it even right or ok to feel this way?
The counselor in me says yes. I don't want to shove raw emotion (or lack thereof) under the proverbial rug. Get them out and deal with them. But the guilt I feel for my feelings! I feel so silly. I feel like God has spared us when others have had so much worse.

hummm. I compare.
this is my road. The one He ordained for me before my life began. The one that is filled with grace and promises to bring Him ultimate glory. These are my thoughts, my emotions. the ones He created.
He knows.

I only need to be careful how I dwell with them. They in and of themselves are not wrong to feel. They are necessary. They are part of my Authors' chapter.  It is comforting to know He created emotions. (Ps. 38:15) there's a reason I'm not writing my story and God is.

And as strange as it feels to write this, I am not necessarily grieving the loss of our two babies (at least all the time). Time passes, and you never forget. Time passes and healing does come. But I still deal with the roller coaster hurt, pain, confusion, shock, awfulness of the combined events of the last few years. Does that make sense? It really doesn't to me. hummm.

I am encouraged by David, in the Bible. He sat RAW and open and honest before God. Basically saying over and over that if God wanted him to feel differently, He would have to be The One to do it, He would have to rescue and restore and renew His soul. He is the only one who can. (Ps. 106:44-45) God is in the moments anyways.

I continue walking forward. I want to live fully alive. I want to live full of grace. I want to see, with thanksgiving, the way He's writing my life story- the good, the bad and the hurt, the wonderful, the cuddly and the sweet as grace. ALL, grace-uncontainable. I must keep a mindset of thanksgiving in ALL things-hands full or empty. That is the way to a life of joy. Thanking God for ALL His graces. Seeing more of Him, the Holder of all that is good for me and the world. (I've been reading lots about this Greek word: Eucharisto in this great book).  This is a hard way of living, yet the way to joy.  It takes intentionality. I want to name my gifts, so as to give them recognition.

I will live here today; this moment is the only place I can love Him; find joy in the now.

"Joy and pain, they are but two arteries of the one heart that pumps through all those who don't numb themselves to really living". -A. Voskamp


The Bible is God writing His heart.
I will sustain myself on His manna (meaning "what is it"?). The Israelites daily sustained themselves on God's manna (mystery).  Duet. 32:39  Job 1:21 All is grace only because He can transfigure all.

8 month Asher

Happy 8 month birthday Baby Boy!

Eight Months old Asher Clark Johnson

You weight 24lbs according to our home scale still, and you're in 12 month clothes now.

What a busy month of first's you've had...

Month 7, Week 1

5.14 You sit up all by yourself now!

You like to take walks to the park, and this is you hang'n by the railings.

Month 7, Week 2
5.17 -Reaching for toys around him while sitting.
Asher, you play happily in the living room, rolling around the huge space grabbing and playing with different toys.
You enjoy hanging out by the railing posts in the living room; you roll over there and put your feet and hands through and talk. (and often bonk your head on them).

Your favorite teethers, blue ring and sophie and you love being outside!

We started eating more and more food. And we stepped right up to the 3rd level (the kind with chunks in it) and you handle it all really well. But you still like to nurse many times a day.
You like to sit and play by the sliding door and look outside when mommy is working at the computer.
Sitting up on your own has provided you with a whole new perspective on life- and opened the doors to playing with toys in a whole new way. I love that you can sit up so well now!
You LOVE the grass. Sitting in it, laying in it, looking at it, trying to eat it...
Man are you ever working on those teeth! -your favorite toys are the Blue ring and Sophie the giraffe.

You pose for the camera now

Month 7, Week 3
5.24 -You chomped/ate celery by yourself for the first time. You liked that it was hard and cold on your teeth.
5.25 -You started social laughing. I was sitting that the computer reading something funny and I laughed. You were in the living room playing and looked at me and started laughing a "fake" laugh. I looked at you and you smile a HUGE smile.
5.28 -You say mBaaah, Ba, baaa often
You are SUPER fast at rolling, and can get most anywhere you want by doing so.
LOUD, that would describe how you use your voice.

5.30 -You, Mommy and Daddy went to our favorite park on Memorial Day. You sat on a blanket with a  couple toys and watched us play bocce ball.

Month 7, Week 4+
6.1 -Asher woke saying "Dadadadada" followed by intermittent squeals of delight.
6.2 -Both of the top two front teeth popped through at the same time today!
6.3 -OH NO. He enjoys these new things in his mouth and grinds the top and bottom teeth together! GRIND. EEK! (Mommy hates that sound).

Fun week with family in DesMoines and Waterloo

6.4 -We went swimming for the first time as a little family. It was super hot and windy, we were in Waterloo. Grammy and your Aunty's and cousin Landon came too! Daddy took you in the sprinkle fountain first and then into the deeper water and you swished around. You seemed to enjoy it and were taking in all the kids laughing and screaming and splashing around you. You didn't mind a bit if you got splashed on.

First time swimming!

6.6 -We noticed you have a "camera posing face".  You see the camera and you immediately squint your eyes and flash a cheesy smile, it's pretty funny Buddy.  (your eyes and lips look like you're trying to make the 'blue steal' face).
6.8 -You popped up on all fours today! Your little tush high in the air first, and then you showed your strong arm muscles pushing right up. (looked like you were doing the downward dog pose, arms and legs straight).
6.9 -Now you roll all over and and pop up onto your hands and knees!- and promptly rock back and forth on them.
6.9 - You make the sound "mmmmmmnnnnAH" And you do it most often when you're a little concerned, concentrating or frustrated. Your jabbers are getting to be filled with different sounds. We like it.

FOOD:
You like blended turkey/chicken mixed with veggies (with little chunks in it) and ya love green beans, carrots and sweet potato. Mommy made you baby food this month, spices and all.
You like most of the foods to have oat cereal mixed in -mostly to thicken them; you're WAY over puree's. Fruits seem to be something you tolerate, but not love. Veggie's and meat you open your mouth wide and lean into it, but fruits you casually open and close. Although you do seem to like prunes, and will eat all the other fruits we've tried. You also chew/gum on rice cakes and sweet potato stars. You drink from your sippy cup much better now; you don't like the spill proof lids though. So I guess that now means you were just not a bottle baby- since you did not take any kind of bottle- ever. You sit at the table when you eat. You really chomp your rice cakes down FAST! And you like to naw on foods through your netting ring/food chewer thingy.

Asher, you add so much so and silliness to our lives!

You still enjoy your jumper and continue to bounce whether you're in it or not. (Our arms are getting strong)! You also enjoy the activity saucer, you easily can spend nearly an hour in each. Playing, talking and looking around while you listen to music. You're a really good baby Tiny Friend. You like to take in  the places and people around you; when in a new places you are often sorta sober and quiet and observant. -Then you warm up and are your smiley loud little self.

Dada and Momma Love you bunches and bunches. We thank God He gave us you!

sewing idea site

I shared this link on facebook a while back. I think it's a fabulous site for home-non-professional-sewers like little me.

I know I'll be using it for reference or idea starters lots.

Make It and Love It. 

Enjoy!

in hiding

Hummmm...

I've been in "hiding" for a while now.

No I'm not under my bed or sitting on my couch under the blankets (ok-well sometimes, cuz it's been a chilly spring)...

I have been silent here (and other places) about my personal thoughts/life.

Yes, my tiny muffin has been getting busier and busier... thus I'm busier and busier. But that's not the excuse.

I have been thinking about a lot. Processing a lot. Sometimes trying to stay afloat. And I think the main reason is fear of judgement by others.

???maybe???

If you didn't know- I blog for myself mainly. I'm a type it out thinker.  But I also am pretty open and would tell anyone most anything if they were interested. -so I guess if people weren't interested they wouldn't read, right? I mean last year I was telling the whole blogisphere the length of my cervix!  LOL!

hum.

Another thought. Why are my past "deep posts" so heavy and "downers"?
Season of life? maybe.

Soon I hope to get back to my blogging/writing release.  I don't think it's good (for me anyway) to keep it all in. (some- yes)... not all.

It is what it is.

perspective-my week in review

My last week in review. (5.30-6.6.11)
(the positive spin version)

Monday: Truly a wonderful day, where Charlie, Asher and I spent some amazing quality time at the park playing bocci ball and hanging out. Asher sat on a blanket and watched, we were at our favorite park on Lake Minnetonka.

Tuesday: The drive to Des Moines went safely, Asher didn't cry the WHOLE time! I got to pick up my little Sister Anna, and have lunch with my other sister Cally before she left for Guatemala on a missions trip. Our nephew didn't have a virus that caused him to throw up, and have a fever higher than 100 degrees! Charlie and I discovered (again) that we are truly and happily dependent on each other; we find it hard to function without the other by our side. We think it's a good thing that the Lord knit our hearts together so closely.

Asher has started making this face when we pull out the camera

Lando and Aunty Nan

Wednesday: I got to sleep a FEW hours. I woke to hear Asher start saying Dadada... (too bad Chaz wasn't there, after his many months of practice!). Nobody got hurt, lost, barfed, or went hungry while Anna and I continued to stay in Des Moines watching our nephew. We got to take Lando and Asher on several walks, and neither of their 'sunburns' were TOO bad.  Everyone went to bed without a qualm. Jesus met my every need emotionally.

Lando playing outside

Thursday: Again I'm thankful for the couple of hours of sleep I DID get- and a 35 minute nap! WE got to enjoy slightly better spirited boys after a fever broke (Landon) and two front teeth popped (Asher). We got to spend time playing outside. We got to see my sister in law, Liz and my adorable and busy nieces and nephews and we all had a pizza party. Both boys were very happy during bath time and easily went to bed.  I got to take a shower! And I even though I fell asleep right before I was to leave to go pick up my sister Bridget and Zach from the airport late that night....I got up in time to make it there and not keep them waiting for me. And upon arriving home hear my Little Asher man giggle and squeal in his sleep and say daddada... like he was dreaming Dada was tickling him. SO CUTE. And precious to witness how happy Landon was to see HIS daddy and mommy arrive home (even at 12:30 at night!)

Landon was positively STUCK to Anna, he adores her

Friday: I got to spend time with my sisters Bridget and Anna and the two little boys. We drove to Waterloo and Asher took a morning nap. And upon arriving there we got to SEE and BE WITH our Chaz (Dada)!!! YAY! We thought it may have been longer, but the way God ended working out this week was different than what we planned.  In any case we were very thankful to be together again. After naps we enjoyed a late afternoon swim at The Falls in Cedar Falls IA. IT was Asher's first time swimming... he really liked it.  IT was around 95 degrees that day and very windy-so we were thankful to be at the pool. Great Grandma Bohlen met us there and Grammy swam with us. We came home and enjoyed pizza with Papa Reed and the fam.  I actually slept REALLY well that night.  :o)

Excited to try swimming for the first time!

Asher and his Grammy and Great Grandma

Starting off small with daddy

Asher loved swishing around in the big pool

Aunty Nan and Aunty Bird and Cousin Lando, Grammy and Ash.

THIS IS SO MUCH FUN!

I could get used to this swimming stuff!

Saturday:  No fevers- (for either Boy!). Asher got to enjoy swining with Grandpa Johnson on the front porch. We enjoyed home-made pull-apart's my mom made (just like my Grandma Reed used to make). And Bird and I got to sip coffee and chat all morning! OUr little family got to go see Great Grandpa Mulligan at Friendship Village Nursing Home, and chat with him there a while. We got to go to Golden China with Great Grandma Mulligan and Grandpa and Grandma Johnson. We got to see Ashley and Ryan and hang out for a bit; while there, I was encouraged and reminded that we get to see our two precious babies in heaven again one day! I'm thankful for family that trusts and loves God! We enjoyed a good old hot summer cookout with the Johnson's; and chatted around the dinner table just like old times. Charlie and I got to play with and giggle with Asher while he took a bath before bed. And then treat of all treats---- we got to go to Four Queens! :-) (my favorite orange and vanilla swirl cone ANYWHERE!)!

Swing'n with Grandpa on the front porch

Grandpa, Grandma, Great Grandpa M, Charlie and Asher

Sunday: We got to see an old friend at church. We got to have a cookout with Aunty Glenda and Grammy and Aunty Anna. Charlie and I got to (sneak) in another trip to Four Queens (this time the Waterloo one-shhhhhh). And bought a cover for my babes 240sx and we chilled and watched ESPN while Shmuvs (Asher) slept. Ahhhhhh- relaxing.  Had a nice evening with my family. So thankful for family and especially for my Little Anna and all her amazing love and extra help. Asher got to "swim" and take a "bath" outside.

2nd time in less than 24 hours

Monday: Got up early enough (because I didn't actually have to wake... a-hemmm.  :-P  ) to get Anna to Clear Lake for Water Work Week at her camp. Asher and I got to enjoy sitting by Clear Lake for a bit before heading further north. Called my Babe and decided to meet for a quick lunch near his work. I'm thankful for my husband, and that even if keys get locked in the car on a 95 degree, muggy day, and he has to walk back to his office, with poop on his sleeve (from a baby whose diaper bag is locked in the car), and drives all the way back to Plymouth to get the other set of keys, over his lunch break (which was to be our date time) and saves the (my) day---never said an angry condemning word to me, just smiles and hands me the key and made sure I was going to be OK. I'm thankful for the oddly placed Somali daycare place, and even though they didn't have air were still so understanding and kind gave me a diaper and wipes to fix my baby's bottom problem.  I'm thankful for a shaded chair at Panchero's where Ash and I could wait. I'm thankful that when we got home- Asher was sooooo relieved, happy and content to be there- and is now napping peacefully while I sip on a glass of wine before I delve into the unpacking.  So thankful to be back in my home.

Clear Lake's State Park Beach front where I sat with Asher.

We (I) survived. Thank you Jesus!
Such a good and blessed week!

a year of happy blessed-ness

Asher Clark (our happy and blessed little boy). It was just one year ago today that you and mommy were in an ambulance on our way to Abbott hospital in Minnesota from Covenant in Waterloo Iowa. Why? Because one year ago today, at 6:30am you tried to come out. Mommy was having contractions, you were head/face down and pushing.

This is you, Asher -19 weeks and 1 day old.  May 29, 2010

Through tears that Saturday morning Mommy and Daddy and Grandma and Grandpa and Uncle Andrew and Aunty Liz and Grammy and Papa and Aunty's Cal, Anna and Bird were so scared and prayed that our Mighty God would keep you inside; growing healthy, big and strong. We all wanted to be able to meet you, and kiss and hug you- because we already loved you!


And after many tests, procedures, 8.5 weeks of total bed rest and an additional 4-ish weeks of modified bed rest and the answered prayers from and ARMY of PRAYERS (from all over the US and around the world)- guess what? Jesus did a miracle last summer and allowed you to stay growing inside until over 37 weeks!  You were born. And we gave thanks! He gave us YOU!

Asher Clark,  May 28, 2011

Wow!!! What a difference a year makes.

We're just overflowing with thankfulness for our Little Mr. Asher Clark Johnson today! Oh how God has shown himself powerful and faithful and merciful and loving through it all. Every time I'm out on a walk or laughing with our Blessing - or taking a shower for that matter-- I'm extra grateful.


I'm thankful for the privilege of holding you. Kissing you. Having you in our family. Playing with you. Listening to all your new noises. Laughing with you. Praying and singing to you. I'm thankful for the community of friends that came along side us and carried us through some rough months. I'm grateful for how last summer and you joining our family has strengthened Mommy and Daddy's marriage. It grew us in our relationship with God. Begun to help heal broken hearts.


Baby Boy, through you we're learning to give thanks in all things!
Praise the LORD!


סֶלָה


selāh

golf balls and clouds

It was a great evening to get out and hit balls. So all three of us packed up and headed to the driving range. Asher was most fascinated by the grass. And he would smile at the occasional passer by.


Then, on 5.10 we were on the edge of a crazy storm. We hardly got anything at all, but the after party was awesome. I've only seen clouds like this once before. Pretty neat.