now or never

ready. set. go.
hands up.
flying leap.

There.
That wasn't so bad. I've had this persistent itch to jump back into writing here on my little lost blog.
I've had so many great boring interesting things to write about.
This is how my 11- - - ELEVEN - - -  (wow. that's a long time) month dead zone got out of hand:
(please read "excuses for having NOT blogged"):

1. Asher turned 11 months. YAY! But along with the awesome consistency in sleeping and eating age brings, it also brought along walking and talking, more teething, more independence and general full-time busyness. Mom's, I know you've got my back on this one. Let's just say my free & alone time seemed to shrink because during his awesome afternoon naps I either needed to cling to God in study or prayer, sleep, clean, make supper, blah, blah blah.

OK, you get the point: Asher grew up more, I had to figure out my new normal.

2. I did figure out my new normal. YAY! Now it is February-ish I'd suppose. I promise I revisited the idea of blogging again.

Looking back at the host of posts in the past two years has been fun and good. This place is totally just my decompressing, processing, remembering, thinking (out loud), release, honesty-spouting, sharing SPOT. And along the way I had to write down what my Abba was teaching and showing me, what He was walking me through (often kicking and screaming, but sometimes quietly and enjoying the gift of now).

Being the introvert that I am. -Well I'm a weird one probably- It's true I'm introverted now for sure; yet I do have this completely open side of me, and I have no qualm sharing my entire (please read: 'cervical lengths', 'absurd horizontal living', 'misgivings', 'crazy thoughts', -lol!) life, in excruciating detail, with the world. So anyway being the mixed introvert that I am, I like to process internally, alone, and it takes me a while. Probably because when I talk, I can't always find the words I'm really thinking or feeling. And this is an excellent place for slow, thoughtful (well sometimes-not always) expression of the real me. I'm not a good writer, I simply write as I talk for the most part. Nothing fancy.

So anyway, as I revisited I found myself dreadfully behind, and the perfectionist in me was going absolutely, completely, frantically, CRAYZY-NUTZ.  So as I said, the story of our past few years has become quite centered around our family. pre and post. what a journey it's been, so consuming. And the blog had also become a baby book of sorts. -That's the nice part, 'cuz I would forget a lot of it otherwise.

But now.  Oh boy. By February I was 5 months behind on pictures and details and thoughts, which I could have caught up on, but seriously- who (in the general public) really wants to know Asher had his first (of hundreds) scrape or had zucchini for first time, etc.  OK OK OK, I know Grandma and Gigi cared a lot, but other than that? what? no hands wildly waiving? No one?  No?....   ..... really?!  LOL!  Thought so.   I was feeling guilty for subjecting my faithful few to the posting torture of routine family life. (I first realized my little blog was going this direction in july 2010, see this post. OH DEAR!)

My solution? I opened Asher's very own little privet blog. There are still one or two months I've missed somewhere in there. But there is less pressure to make it anything more than it is: a record of my son's irresistible cuteness and remarkable smartness.  I'm not at all bias. It's just the facts.  If you really wanna see more pics, and stories of our daily "family" life, I can hook you up.  Or just check my facebook or instagram.

OK. I'm throwing a picture in here so I don't loose ya. It's an older one, from March I think.
I'm just about done.

3. The blog needs to be worth your time (well at least kinda worth it, because I know post after post week after week can easily become boring).  I had a dry, very non-creative, and VERY uninteresting spell. I think this is a really normal part of life for me. I had nothing but the daily life to report or share. In many ways, I'm still there. But I'm really going to try to dig down deep and rediscover some of my interests and passions and amusements once again. Perhaps you'll join me, perhaps you'll pop in for a visit every now and then, or just say in your head 'good for you' and move along. All three are perfect options.

The point: if you're taking the time to read, I want you to leave encouraged in some way.

Another one so you don't leave yet.  ;-)

4. I'm still trying to get over the fact that there is no possible way of writing you a bridge from last november until now. But alas, there is not. breathe amanda. breathe. Get over it. Nobody cares. LOL!
I'll try to post silly little updates here and there, cuz who wants an impersonal no-picture page to drudge through? Yup, not me. Life IS my inspiration after all.

______
This summer was very low maintenance. Hours of pool and park time. Lots of playing cars and balls, and basketball and chasing my fantastic and happy Little Mr.  Charlie has been pretty busy at work and has been trying to squeeze in time for his hobby's.  I've been enjoying the ride, the goodness and fun-ness in the now. (When I'm NOT pulling my hair out, or scraping dried cheese and peas off the floor). You get my drift.

Hugs to you guys. 

Cheers to many more.

Thanks for letting me process with you.

Holy cow, that was a wordy way of telling you I'm gonna try blogging out again! HA!

Merry Christmas 2011!

Photo's by the lovely: ginazeidler.com

never posted thoughts from 2009

Bennett Torger Johnson

Born: June 30, 2009, 8:13 PM Weighed 6.4 ounces, 8.4 inches long

Ps. 139:5 You hem me in, behind and before,
 and lay your hand upon me.
 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; 
it is high; I cannot attain it. 13 For you formed my inward parts;
 you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
 14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. 
Wonderful are your works;
 my soul knows it very well.
 15 My frame was not hidden from you,
 when I was being made in secret, 
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
 16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
 in your book were written, every one of them, 
the days that were formed for me,
 when as yet there was none of them.

I’m a mom! I truly feel like a mommy now- I’ve held a perfect little baby boy in my hands and arms, I’ve

kissed tiny feet (no bigger than one inch) and a little nose smaller than a pea. I watched as my darling husband held our baby boy in his hands so gently. I’ve said, “I love you little baby Bennett”. I’ve felt the anguish of a parent being helpless to aid my hurting, dying child, who I felt kick inside me, with the sac of waters drying out. I’ve heard the strong heart beat (154 bpm) of a healthy baby right up until delivery; and then falling silent upon entering this world. He was amazing and small and delicate and fully formed. His features and traits could be established and identified already- he had Charlie’s poochy/pouty lips. A strong shoulder line, and muscle in his arms already. His hand had creases in it, on the handprint we have, it looks like mine and my dad’s- the “life lines” were in the same places as ours. His feet were long- and he had skinny, long, little legs like his daddy -he would have been tall like both of us without a doubt. His skin was very thin, shiny, smooth and red still; the lacey small veins could be seen all over his little body. On his face and forehead the pours had developed, and you could just barely see the baby eyebrow hairs coming in. His eyelids had formed, but were still fused shut. He had the cutest teeny ears, and small sweet mouth (less than .5cm wide). His mouth opened and closed, in it was a gum line and the littlest tongue I’ve ever seen. His bones were there and his joints all moved; all the fingers and toes fully separated and bent. And as I held him for the last time, his mouth opened and his hand slipped up by his mouth and his little thumb popped right in. It was adorable. Bennett is memorable.

I feel like I now understand labor better. (Maybe not fully, like a 40-week labor, but I definitely went through it. I think the intenseness would last longer with a bigger baby.) I know the ache (not pain of the stinging, shooting, cutting, searing sort) of labor pains, I know now that my body gets a rush of adrenaline; so much that it made me shake uncontrollably. I know why mommy’s moan, in what I can imagine would be the joy of anticipation of their little one. Because even knowing my baby would die upon birth, going through it, and seeing the little life debut out of me was utterly amazing! I was fascinated with how God orchestrates the whole birthing process! And even though Bennett slipped into Jesus’ presence before I met him, I was still filled with a happiness that’s hard to express. I’m thankful that I had the privilege of birthing, looking at, crying over, holding, memorizing, and kissing my son. It was still stunning to hear the nurse say, “It’s a little boy!” I praise God for my fearfully and wonderfully made baby boy!

The experience was excruciating. Definitely not a path I would choose to go down. One just doesn’t expect to be woke at 2:30 AM on a Sunday morning, June 28, out of a dead sleep, having done nothing out of the ordinary, to the warm gush of water between my legs. –Unexpected at 18.5 weeks especially. I got up in a sleepy stooper and woke Charlie, “I think my water broke!” watery, light pink, amniotic fluid continued to flow out of me at a quick rate, through a phone call to the doctor on call, through the late, long car ride to the hospital (25 minutes to Abbott Northwestern, downtown Minneapolis) and the walk to the 6^th floor. In the car I thought for sure that our baby “Turkish” had died. We went straight up to the labor and delivery area, and they did a “ph” test that confirmed it was really my placenta sac that had broken. (they call this PROM, premature rupture of membranes). We discussed options with the very understanding and patient OB on call, Dr. Peterson, and he said rest until 7 or 7:30am and we’ll decide then what to do next. We were no where near being able to rest, but we managed to call our doula, Sara Dick from Bethlehem, and Bridget and my mom-all who drove up right away. Sara arrived at about 6:10am. With her help and insight we decided not to induce labor. There was a small chance (less than 5%), that God could miraculously seal the hole in my placenta, and my body, which continuously makes amniotic fluid, could then fill it back up. I’d be on bed rest then until baby Turkish was born. So we stayed in the hospital all day Sunday and Sunday night. Bridget and mom arrived about 9:30am, and hung out with us, cried and prayed with us.

That night Pastor Kenny Stokes and his wife came out and we got to pray together for Bennett, and Charlie and I, with Kenny had a baby dedication for our son. It went something like this… “Little one (we didn’t yet know if it was a boy), together with your parents, who love you dearly, and this people who care about the outcome of your faith, I dedicate you to God, surrendering together with them all worldly claims upon your life, in the hope that you will belong wholly to God for ever.” He also encouraged us by saying that what we had chosen to do (wait) was hard, but the most God-glorifying choice.

Talk about tough, and real promises. We were all in tears after that. Never had surrendering “all earthly claims on a life” been so profoundly real. And at the same time, very freeing. God owes me nothing, he’s not promised me or any child or person a certain number of days. I had preconceptions that I would get to spend time with this little one growing inside me, to love on him, hug him and watch him grow up; but God saw fit that this baby should go directly from the darkness of my womb to his loving arms- bypassing sin, hurt, pain and guilt, and sorrow on earth; to know fully, a Savior and Abba who loves and will hold him close as He worships and sings to his Maker, along side a host of other such little ones. Tears roll down my cheeks now -of pain and grief- but also of complete gratefulness and promise in imagining that scene. This is part of His promised plan!

We decided early Sunday morning that we should not take any further steps (taking this baby’s life into our own hands- meaning that we knew if we induced labor, he would undoubtedly die). We felt like God should have full control of this baby’s life or death. It wasn’t our decision to make. So we waited. We waited until Monday morning in the hospital, with constant checking for infection or any beginnings of labor pains, etc. but nothing happened. They released us to go home and continue to wait, they would check again, via ultrasound on Wednesday, the baby’s heart rate, and my condition- unless something else happened between time.

Monday from 10am until Tuesday 12:30pm was the most trying, dark, painful, sorrowful, heavy path Charlie and I have ever walked down. My bible study girls came out and kneeled by me on the couch and listened, and cried and prayed for the baby, Charlie and I- that our trust and faith would remain unbroken, encouraged me with a hymn “Day by Day”, and brought us a dinner. Charlie’s parents came late that night. I realized that it wasn’t just me who was hurting. There were a number of people who loved us, and this little baby and didn’t want us to hurt. It’s a precious thing to have friends and family care so intensely about me and a baby they’ve never met, that they cry along side us, walking the dark path, fighting and mourning and praying with us.

Charlie and I wept. Tears spilled out in the living room, in the bed, in lawn chairs in our back yard. You could visibly see our hurt. We felt a heavy burden of responsibility for this waiting period and the precious life that was still inside of me. We knew the probable outcome, but were scared of the potential life outcomes (if he actually lived). Were we ready to deal with those too? How could we be responsible for bringing a child into a world (even for a few days or hours) to be poked, prodded, etc. then die in a more painful way? God had given us strong conviction to stand strongly pro life. Life belongs to God; he is the decider of the timing of birth and death, not us. So we would trust and wait that He would (did) work it out in His timing. In my heart of hearts I began to pray that Jesus would just take this baby to live with him, and spare him any type of hurt.

We took showers, finally, at 12:20pm Tuesday. It was then that God chose to move in answering our prayers. I stepped into the shower, having had no physical discomfort, pain or changes. I washed and felt something squishy as a brushed over it… I called Charlie and his Mom in to come look, I was too scared to look or feel again. It was the umbilical cord. “It’s OK. *breath* Praise the Lord! This is an answer to prayer!” were the first words out of my mouth. Charlie’s adrenaline must have gone sky high; he wasn’t sure what to do next. He cared for me so well, he’s so tender. We called Dr. Flom. God allowed a peace to rush over me in body and soul.

Mom and Dad J. drove us to the hospital. I rode lying down in the back of the mini van. I had 3-4 contractions. What a new and strange feeling that was.

* * *

We thoughtfully picked a name for our son, Bennett Toger Johnson. The name “Bennett” because it is Latin for “precious little one” and “Torger” after Charlie’s great-grandfather. We hadn’t really known what “Torger” meant at the time, but we learned that it is Norse for “Spear of God.” We thought that was very fitting, because although he did not live long, he was used so powerfully by God to bring God glory, to change our lives and impact the lives of many others.

Lamentations 3:22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; 
his mercies never come to an end;
 23 they are new every morning;
 great is your faithfulness.
 24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, 
“therefore I will hope in him.”

alone time

Asher- You're amazing. This week you've been playing in your room all alone or in the pack 'n play in the living room for literally hours on end. Like right now you've been playing with a few toys and flipping through books in the living room quietly talking to yourself. This has afforded mommy some much needed time to catch up on your baby book blogging. I'm so thankful you enjoy looking at and reading books. And that you know how to play by yourself so well. Actually mommy could probably stand to spend more time interacting/playing/teaching you a little more these days. You're growing up so fast!

SO- expect some of my blog abandonment issues to get resolved soon!

You zoned our for a sec while eating, so cute.

Also, this week you have turned a communication corner...a funny example:
-Last week Daddy and I were teaching how to use the hair brush, and you got it right away. Brushing the top and back of your head with the soft bristles. We would say "Oh SO HANDSOME", "good job", etc to you. Flash back to two nights ago... Mommy and Daddy were talking in the kitchen while you ate supper and somehow it came up in conversation for Daddy to throw in a "SO HANDSOME" about something not related to you and when he said it you instantly got your little food/goo coated patties up and started stroking the sides and back of your head. It was absolutely adorable, funny and messy. We were shocked you had remembered and did it without prompting! LOL!

-Yesterday, after months of trying to show you how to sign please and more, you just magically started signing please. Perhaps it had to do with the fact you never get sweets and mommy had shared a nibble of a rice krispie treat you thought was super yummy and wanted more. Cuz I asked you just once, "Show mommy more-please" and wha-lah- you did it! It so great to know you are actually understanding what we're saying buddy!

-You consistently say "HI" when you notice us walk into a room, or return home. You get SUPER excited if one or both of us have left you with a babysitter or friend and return home -you greet us with an elated, happy, delighted smile, squeals and laughs. You do that at the church nursery too. (♥) You have never cried when we leave you and from all reports we've gotten have not cried about us being gone either. You're just a happy and content little man. Thanks buddy. It makes our life easier.  

-There are a multitude of other words you say and VERY notable highlights as of late. They're coming soon~

1 point One

One year, one month

Asher words:

Mao- mAo -(we're not sure sometimes if you mean more or NO) sometimes you use it as exclamation and sometimes as scolding

Dada & Mama -and you know who you mean

Books

Watch

Hot

Hat

Sock(s)

Hi

Uh-Oh

Mo -more

B-bb-bbbbbr -car sound as you push it around

Discovered how to "fake" laugh -and then you think that's pretty funny

We taught you how to brush your hair last week and said "Oh SO handsome" now when we say "so handsome" you run your hands through your hair and play with the back of your head. SO CUTE!

Other noteworthy details:

You have 12 teeth (four on top, four on bottom, four molars).

Turbo crawler

Walks holding on to things

Stands up alone

Loves to play with shoes

Gives snuggles with hips and giant open mouthed kisses (and excited bites)

Sleeps from 7:20pm - 7 or 8am with no waking

Plays happily alone for 1-2 hours at a time (reads books, and play w/toys)

Adores baby's and children

Dance-dance-dances to music 

Strongly affected by music- you are especially vulnerable to settling down or sleep when we play a song on your Baby Einstein: Naptime Melodies CD {Bonnie (references melody My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean)}  2 minutes and 09 seconds of pure baby bliss I'm tell'n ya!

Happy bather once again, voluntarily lays down and plays in water

Likes to be outside, spots birds and squirrels now

Enjoys wrestling and playing rough with Daddy

Elated to hug and cuddle your blankie and "bear" 

Still nursing about 3 times per day

Prefer to feed your self

Not a picky eater really, if you get to eat it your way. You eat banana's like they're going out of style!

Add caption

Family photo's by the lovely: ginazeidler.com

::: stay tuned :::

HI.
I exist.  Asher is thriving. Charlie is swell.
Pictures have kept getting snapped. Memories keep happening. Events take place. months just keep rolling on.

I have failed to blog. I want to. I will. I just haven't made time. I am a little frustrated with how blogger interacts with photos right now- so that's been my major delay. Not a lack of things to right about.

please stay tuned.

ONE

ONE YEAR OLD ASHER CLARK: adored, loved, cherished, busy, precious, assertive, sweet, chubby, affectionate, adorable, happy, silly, determined, vibrant,  climber, investigative, strong-hearted, sweet, self-entertained.

One year old, Tiny sch-muffin, firstborn, baby boy: your mommy and daddy are so grateful for your little life. You've blessed us in countless ways son. We thank Jesus for you often.

We continue to pray that the Lord will show you your need for Him at an early age and you will want to know Him personally and live fully for Him, and that He will use you to love others well.

On your birthday weekend we celebrated YOU with family in Waterloo.
Your first birthday party was pretty low-key, small and informal but very fun.

Happy first birthday Asher Clark Johnson. May it be the first of MANY!